Dec 022011
 

Question: I have been celebrate for almost three years, and am terrified to “get back out there.” Any tips on how to reverse or overcome my apparent phobia?

Answer: This can be a scary question to even ask, the I applaud you on putting yourself out there by showcasing self awareness of your nervousness.

It’s tough for EVERYONE to be out there, whether they have never dated, never had sexual partners, etc, whether they have taken some time off from being sexual, or whether they have a different partner every week. We all innately have a huge fear of rejection, whether from family, friends, potential partners, current partners, employers, etc. Being “out there,” what ever that looks like, can be really hard for any one.

Tip number 1: Be yourself. It’s very easy to try and mimic people in magazines, TV shows, fashion shows, head of cliques, etc. Sometimes it feels as though playing a role is easier than being ourselves, because if we do wind up feeling rejected, we can comfort ourselves with the idea that it was out facade that was rejected, not actually ourselves. However, being yourself is a) easier, because you’re not trying to be someone else and b) better, because if you do wind up finding someone you like, and they are interested back, you will KNOW that it is truly you they like, and not wonder if it is the role you’re playing.

Tip number 2: Don’t make too many goals. When we are so set on finding someone to kiss/fuck/date/marry/bring home to mom, we often psych ourselves out. Most couples will tell you that they found their ideal partner just when they had given up looking, or had taken a step back from aggressively searching. Why? Because it’s easier to just be you when you aren’t searching actively for someone, and because people will see a more relaxed you, rather than the trying to impress people you, which is usually what people prefer.

Tip number 3: Meet people in areas of YOUR interest. For some reason, it’s thought that meeting people in bars is a great idea. And it is possible that for some specific people, it is. If you frequently hang out in bars, that might be a good place to try. However, if like most people, you hang out more often in places that don’t have tall stools and booze, you should try to meet people in areas in which you feel comfortable. Like chess? Chat up that cutie at chess club. More of a runner? Ask that smarty pants to be your jogging buddy! Spend a lot of time volunteering at an animal shelter? See if your fellow volunteer would like to talk up the cute kitties and puppies after your shift. This way, you know you already have a shared interest that goes beyond getting wasted.

Tip number 4: Be gentle to yourself. Getting “back out there” can feel incredibly intense, and if you are super nervous about it, you may either go under board or overboard, over share or under share…and guess what? It’s all ok. Just take your time, relax, and congratulate yourself for even giving it a good try and getting back out there. No hurry on finding the one, whether it’s for one evening or for longer. Take a breath, take care of yourself.

Best of luck,

-Shanna

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Nov 162011
 

Question: When do you deem it too young to have sex?

Answer: This is a hard question, no matter who you ask.

First of all, legally, it depends completely on where you live. Some states, if you have sex before you are 18, even if your partner is also under 18, it is still illegal depending on the age difference. If you are young (ie, under 18), make sure you know your state’s laws before you make ANY choices, so you know what could possibly happen if you or your partner’s parents are not ok with what is going on. Keep in mind that purchasing sex toys that are billed as sex toys (versus back massagers from the Sharper Image) is also reserved for those 18 and older.

If you’re talking about physically too young, anything prior to puberty is WAY too young. Period. Bodies are not designed to be sexually active with each other before puberty.  That being said, physically ready is far less important than being emotionally and mentally ready. As far as emotionally and mentally maturity, it varies A LOT from person to person. I have met sexually active 15 year olds that can talk to me about having gotten STI tests, being on birth control and using a barrier method, discussing the “What Ifs: with their partner, etc. To me, they understand more of the pros and cons of having sex than some 30 year olds I’ve met who do not think at all about the consequences of being sexually active. I’ve met more the my fair share of adults who are not emotionally or mentally mature enough to be having sex (in my opinion).

Basically, what I am trying to say is there is no cut and dry way to know if you are ready for sex or not, but if YOU are pondering if you are too young for it, that sounds to me like maybe you are. No one ever got hurt from waiting a little bit longer to be sexually active, regardless if they were 14, 18, 36 or 82. Take a little bit longer to figure out if what you are planning on is the right fit for both you and your partner, and then you can look at your decision again in a little bit.

Sorry I don’t have some magical answer, but like most things sexually associated, there just is not one perfect answer to questions.

Hope this helps,

-Shanna

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May 112011
 

Note: Permission is ALWAYS obtained before posting people’s questions on this site. Have a question you’d like to ask anonymously? You can use my contact form, or email ShannaKatz at Gmail.com!

Dear Shanna-

I have PCOS so I have a weird VERY infrequent period situation. In 2010 I had a total of five periods, and two were induced with Provera.  I haven’t had a period yet in all of 2011, and I went to the gyno for my yearly last month. My pap was normal but they told me I had a yeast infection. Took care of that with no problem – didn’t even know I had it!


My husband and I were going at it the other night and after a [vaginal]  fisting session – he noticed a brown-ish fluid. We cleaned up and I woke up the next morning with my period – on FULL FORCE! This has happened before (last December) where no period, then BAM! It is hard to look up with google because everything says that you are or may be prego and so on.
We are just wondering if it normal for rough sex/fisting and or fingering to bring on periods? I mean- is it safe to do this more often so I do get periods since my body doesn’t do it on its own? Its really confusing to me! At our last visit last month my gyno wants me to take Provera about every 3 months to make sure I am shedding my liner. Grrrrr.

-Pissed at PCOS

Dear P@P-

Firstly, mazel tov on remembering to go in for your yearly gyno visit! What seems to be happening is that intense uterine spasming is encouraging the start of the shedding of your uterine lining, starting your period. For some people, fisting, rough sex, g-spot specific fingering, and other sexual activities can cause a different type of orgasm, that can be more intense as far as the involvement of your uterus (versus, for example, a more clitoral centric orgasm, which feels just as good, but uses other body parts).

I’ve known many other folks who have PCOS, and sometimes, certain types of sex can trigger the onset of a period (as can other things, like eating less dairy/fatty foods, etc). Sounds like fisting might be one of those triggers for you. In my completely NOT medical opinion, I’d say it’s safe to play with rougher sex and/or fisting as much as you’d like — just know that it might not always trigger your period. It might all the time, some times, or this may be a one off. But as long as you’re enjoying it, is sounds like it’s a fun experience with a bonus for you! If you start feeling pain regarding any of this sexual play, or have excessive bleeding beyond your period, it’s time to go see the doctor, but in the mean time, have fun!

Hope this helps!

-Shanna