Jun 032011

Regardless of how you define sex (from penile-vaginal penetration to flogger, making out to fisting, oral sex to anal sex, you name it!), most people want to have at least good sex. It doesn’t always have to be great, it doesn’t always have to be mind blowing, it doesn’t need to soak the sheets, wake the neighbors, etc. It just has to be good and enjoyable for all of the parties involved. Of course, what “good” sex is up to the beholder.

As anyone who has attended one of my classes can attest, I have three basic rules for good sex. Here they are, nice and simple. Of course, obviously, they won’t apply 100% to every person, every relationship, every sexual situation. However, in my years of teaching, counseling and just talking to folks about sex, I can pretty much state that if you follow these rules, you’ll be having some good sex.

Rule 1:

Communication is key. What I always say is “if you can’t communicate with the person you’re fucking, why are you fucking with them?” Communications doesn’t have to involve talking, and it doesn’t have to be an epic sit around conversation. If you’re hooking up with some one in a bar bathroom, communication can look like:

Person A: Hi, I’m A. I like X, Y and Z, and require latex barrier use.

Person B: Hi, I’m B, and I like P, Q, X And Z, but not Y at all. I’m allergic to latex, but brought nitrile gloves and poly eurethane condoms.

Person A: Cool. Let’s do X and Z then, with your safer sex supplies.

Person B: Awesome. Bend over.

That’s all that is needs to look like in certain situations. In other instances, communication via written word (text, email, letters, dry erase markers on the bathroom mirror, notes left on each others’ windshield, etc) can work incredibly well. During sexual activity, communication shouldn’t end. You can still opt to speak, write, pull hair, move body parts, nudge each other, buck hips, shake heads, give thumbs up, etc. Whatever works for you, your body, your partner(s) and your sexual activity is what works. Don’t feel like you have to be any certain way. However, if you cannot communicate your wants and needs, as well as what feels good, and what doesn’t, you cannot expect to have good sex. Period.

Rule 2:

You GOTTA laugh. Sex and sexual activity and naked (or near naked) bodies are funny and awkward. There are weird noises, and interesting sounds, and people falling off the bed, and fluids getting all over the place, and silly things we say, and projectile dildos, and pets jumping in the fray, and parents-in-law/landlords walking in, and batteries dying, and…the list goes on. If you cannot laugh at this stuff, than what are you doing? Sex can be serious at times, but it ALWAYS should be fun. If you’re not enjoying it, why the heck are you doing it? Plus, laughing adds endorphins to you blood stream (so does orgasms), so then it’ll make sex even more enjoyable!

Rule 3:

Lube is love. Ok, so if you’re making out or getting spanked, this might not always apply. However, if anything (toys, fingers, genitals, cheeks, etc) is touching genitals, there needs to be some lube action. Now, people always argue with me that natural lubricant is the best. For some, sure. On the other hand, penises and anuses NEVER lubricate, so hand jobs, anal stimulation, anal intercourse, etc ALWAYS require lube. Period. Tissue can get torn otherwise. As far as vaginas, some lubricate a little naturally, some a lot, and some not at all. If the vagina owner is on hormonal birth control (pill, patch, ring, implanon, depo, etc), is stressed, is on allergy meds, is on anti-depressants, etc, then those things can limit or erase natural lubrication. Plus, if you’re having a quickie, lubrication might not have enough time to happen, and if you’re having a nice long sex session, the body might need a little extra help.

Oil based lubes, whether Crisco or designed for sex, are great for hand jobs and masturbation of penises. That’s it. Oil shouldn’t go inside the anus or vagina, as it can coat the walls and prevent the self cleaning (and in the vaginal case, the transudation that the vagina needs to stay moist) that happens, sometimes ending up in infection. Also not barrier safe.

Water based lubes are compatible with bodies, toys and barriers, but sometimes dry up faster. If it dries out and gets sticky — DO NOT ADD LUBE. It’ll make it messier. Add water to reactivate the lube, and voila. Some water based lubes contain glycerin and parabans, which some people react to. If you or your partner have a picky vulva, go with glycerin free water based lube.

Silicone lube is the energizer bunny of lube — it keeps going and going and going. It’s great with bodies and barriers, and hard toys (plastic, glass, metal, wood, ceramic, stone, etc). However, it should NOT be used with silicone toys, as it will melt the material and destroy the toy. No good. It’s great for sex in watery areas (like the shower, the rain, the hot tub), as it doesn’t wash away easily.