Basically, taking the concept that we all have limited resources, and have to decide how to best use them in our life, can be related to anything. In regards to disability, it is truly a great way to get friends and partners of people with disabilities to understand some of the difficulties that PWD may go through in life.

When I teach at a Kink conference, I often have to choose between attending all the workshops and skipping the play parties, or attending a few workshops, napping and then hitting a play party or two, because I just don’t have the spoons (or physical/emotional resources) to do it all. Often, people don’t get it, and view me as snobby or lazy because I don’t “make the most” of the kink conference, but I know that if I don’t practice this self care, I’ll spend the next day or two doped up on percocet and unable to do anything. Putting it within the spoon context often helps people to “get” what I’m talking about.

Here is the beginning of the spoon theory story:

My best friend and I were in the diner, talking. As usual, it was very late and we were eating French fries with gravy. Like normal girls our age, we spent a lot of time in the diner while in college, and most of the time we spent talking about boys, music or trivial things, that seemed very important at the time. We never got serious about anything in particular and spent most of our time laughing.

As I went to take some of my medicine with a snack as I usually did, she watched me with an awkward kind of stare, instead of continuing the conversation. She then asked me out of the blue what it felt like to have Lupus and be sick. I was shocked not only because she asked the random question, but also because I assumed she knew all there was to know about Lupus. She came to doctors with me, she saw me walk with a cane, and throw up in the bathroom. She had seen me cry in pain, what else was there to know?

I started to ramble on about pills, and aches and pains, but she kept pursuing, and didn’t seem satisfied with my answers. I was a little surprised as being my roommate in college and friend for years; I thought she already knew the medical definition of Lupus. Then she looked at me with a face every sick person knows well, the face of pure curiosity about something no one healthy can truly understand. She asked what it felt like, not physically, but what it felt like to be me, to be sick.

As I tried to gain my composure, I glanced around the table for help or guidance, or at least stall for time to think. I was trying to find the right words. How do I answer a question I never was able to answer for myself? How do I explain every detail of every day being effected, and give the emotions a sick person goes through with clarity. I could have given up, cracked a joke like I usually do, and changed the subject, but I remember thinking if I don’t try to explain this, how could I ever expect her to understand. If I can’t explain this to my best friend, how could I explain my world to anyone else? I had to at least try.

At that moment, the spoon theory was born. I quickly grabbed every spoon on the table; hell I grabbed spoons off of the other tables. I looked at her in the eyes and said “Here you go, you have Lupus”. She looked at me slightly confused, as anyone would when they are being handed a bouquet of spoons. The cold metal spoons clanked in my hands, as I grouped them together and shoved them into her hands.

Click here to read the rest of spoon theory.

-Shanna

This post, Spoon Theory in Relation to Disability, originally appeared on Shanna Katz M.Ed, ACS -- Board Certified Sexologist and Sexuality Educator on May 18, 2011.

Click here to listen to my radio interview on Tantra Cafe.

-Shanna

This post, Sexuality and Disabilty on Tantra Cafe, originally appeared on Shanna Katz M.Ed, ACS -- Board Certified Sexologist and Sexuality Educator on October 28, 2010.

Now, it’s true. I am a sex educator, more particularly, a sex educator who presents on college campuses, so defending sex education at colleges and universities is obviously in my best interest. So let it be said that you should take what I say with a grain of salt.

However, I chose this field because it is incredibly important. In 2003, I met an 18 year old college student who had never learned how to use a condom, despite 6 of her friends from high school having had children. In 2007, I met college students who told me that the withdrawal method “must work” because they’d used it for a year and never gotten pregnant (despite some of their cohorts leaving school/take a leave of absence due to their pregnancies). I’ve met numerous students who didn’t know how to balance their identities, many of which they hadn’t taken pride in until they got to college. I’ve met dozens of depressed students who were scared to come out to their roommates/college friends/hall mates/RAs/professors because of the overall view of LGBTQ identities on campus. All of these people were helped in some way by sexuality education, whether it was through me, through a school sponsored event, through a school group providing sex ed.

Sex education is helpful to people of all ages, but is crucial to people in their teens and early twenties, when they are developing their identities, making decisions about sexual activity. Getting sex education does NOT encourage anyone to be sexually active. In fact, many people who get comprehensive sexuality education in high school and middle school have better self image, are more comfortable in setting boundaries, know ow to say know, choose not to be sexually active as early, and/or choose not to be sexually active while under the influence of other substances. Almost everyone will have the ability to make healthier choices regarding safer sex, pregnancy prevention, and more.

Most sex weeks (as well as other sexuality education workshop) on college and university campuses are put together by students. Student who want information about sexuality; about anatomy, about identity, about safer sex, about pleasure, about communication, about relationships, and more. Clearly, there is a need for this education, because if it doesn’t come from sexuality educators, it comes from word of mouth (which can often provide incorrect information), or from the internet, or from trial and error. They are going to get this information from somewhere — I’d rather they get it from a trained sexuality educator (whether myself or someone else) who is trained in correct information, in counseling students, in talking about such a fraught topic, etc.

For the most part, sexuality education supports all choices, including abstinence as a choice. I know that all of my classes welcome people of all genders, orientations, backgrounds, etc, regardless of whether students are sexually active. I’m sorry, but given that about 99.9% of society features on the mainstream and the majority (white, straight/heterosexual, cisgender, traditionally able bodied, vanilla relationships), I feel it is completely valid for colleges and universities to bring in classes that talk about sexual minorities, as well as other workshops (like intersecting identities and relationship communication discussions) that appeal to people of ALL identities. Very few students need to know what sexuality looks like for a traditionally able bodied person; how many have been asked to think about people with disabilities, and how their sexuality looks and occurs, and how to make all of their campus accessible, more than just physically.

Denying that college age students are thinking about their sexuality (whether or not they are sexually active) is like an ostrich sticking its head in its the sand. Let’s please support them in their desire for knowledge and to learn more about their sexual identities, and how to make healthy choices, rather than just pretend that its not happening. And let’s also not throw negativity at the schools that are in fact fulfilling their promise to support students’ ENTIRE education, and at the educators who are helping these knowledge hungry students to learn more about themselves. It’s just rude.

That’s what I’ve got to say on this issue.

However, Dr. Charlie Glickman, a respected sex educator, also has something to say about this, more specifically about Margaret Brooks’ anti Brown Sex Week article (in interest of full disclosure, I spoke at Brown’s Sex Week, including on Sexuality and Disability, and on Relationships and Communication). His post is much less based on emotional than mine, and takes on her article bit by bit. I highly suggest reading it.

For anyone still interesting in bringing sexuality education to their campus, I’m still booking for 2010-2011. I’d love to come help college students learn and grow.

Shanna

This post, Stop Hating on Campus Sex Education, originally appeared on Shanna Katz M.Ed, ACS -- Board Certified Sexologist and Sexuality Educator on September 4, 2010.

-Shanna

Sexuality and Disability Educational Series

For all Disabilities and Sexual Orientations
June 30 – September 22
Wednesdays, 6:30 – 8:30PM
Center for Independent Living, Berkeley, CA
Suggested Donation: $25 per class
Sexuality and intimate loving relationships are a fundamental part of everyone’s life. This 12-week series is designed for individuals who are living with a disability as well as his or her friends, families, partners and attendants.

You will gain ways to improve:

• Self-Esteem and Body Image
• Healthy Relationships
• Delicacies of Kissing and Touch
• Chronic Pain and Sexuality
• Sexual Health
• Practical Tips and Tools for Enhanced Sexuality
• Solo Sex & Partnered Sex

Our philosophy:
• Participants will have a chance to experience the support of peers and have an increased sense of community
• Attendees can experience a sense of empowerment, hopefulness, improved self-esteem and self-confidence
• Learn new skills and resources to expand knowledge regarding one’s sexuality, sexual health and intimate relationships in a nonjudgmental environment
• Workshop goals to be achieved through presentation of topics, facilitated sharing and experiential exercises

Limited Space Available. To reserve your place please email Dr. Biggs at rebiggs@mac.com

For more information go to www.somaevolution.org

This post, Sexuality and Disability Education Series, originally appeared on Shanna Katz M.Ed, ACS -- Board Certified Sexologist and Sexuality Educator on June 25, 2010.

So what did I talk about? Well, the Spareparts Joque harness for sure; how it’s comfy, size friendly, machine washable, great for guys with ED and more. And about Maximus, how it’s glycerin free, water based, and so thick…it’s great for hand jobs, anal, fisting, and more, as well as vaginal intercourse.

But then, we talked about sex and disability, and how to help customers with disabilities get what they need and treat them in the best manner possible. And we talked about kink people coming in, and how to work with them, and learned some language around that. Then we talked about gender identity, and while most people were right there with me, many people learned something new.

Then Monday, when I came into the office, my email had tons of notes thanking me for doing such a great workshop, how they’d love to learn more, that they’d want an all morning seminar JUST on sexuality and disability, and some asked for my list of books, sites, and other resources.

I am SO happy people care. People learn, and bring it back to their stores, to their customers, and pay it forward.  And how much more joy can you get than that?

THIS is one of the many reasons why I do what I do, even though it’s not a 40 hours a week job, nor am I making the big buck. I do it because teaching about sexuality provides so much joy…for me, for my students, and for everyone it touches.

-Shanna

This post, Teaching Equals Joy, originally appeared on Shanna Katz M.Ed, ACS -- Board Certified Sexologist and Sexuality Educator on April 30, 2010.

This post, On Carnal Nation…, originally appeared on Shanna Katz M.Ed, ACS -- Board Certified Sexologist and Sexuality Educator on March 4, 2010.