Aug 202012
 

Want to know how much lube to use? How to tell if someone is gay? How to bring up conversation about having a threesome? Which strap on is right for you? How to have anal sex without pain? What is the best way to pick someone up for casual sex? How to spice up your sex life after decades of love?

I have been writing a sexuality & relationship Q and A column for Out Front Colorado (as well as other posts on sexuality in the community – click here to read all of my writing) and am always looking for anonymous questions, from folks all across the country, to answer as part of this column that is published every other week.

Have a question you’d like answered? Shoot me an email at ShannaKatz at gmail.com and I’ll make sure to answer it AND email you the link when I do. I will not name you or your actual location, and no question is too mild or wild. You can also comment with questions you’d like answered, tweet them to me @shanna_katz, or send them via carrier snail.

Looking forward to helping assuage your curiosity!

-Shanna

Nov 132011
 

Question: Does semen whiten your teeth?

Answer: As much as you may want to hear that swallowing in the course of a blow job will act like Crest Whitening Strips, I hate to break it to you; this is one of the many myths associated with sex, and semen specifically. And while we’re at it; nor does semen provide your daily nutritional needs in the protein department.

Feel free to choose whether to swallow or not; that is always and will always be up to you. Just remember the following:

a) Semen can contain STIs, so get you and your partner tested on a full STI panel before you make this decsion.

b) Swallowing does not make oral sex better or worse than letting them ejaculate elsewhere (chest, face, back, towel, shower, bed, themselves, etc). Do it if you like it, but know it doesn’t change the sensation.

c) Semen is not a good source of any vitamins, minerals, or nutrition. It will not make your hair shinier, whiten your teeth, make your skin smoother, etc. Those are all false statements, but ones that are bandied about quite often.

Hope this helps,

-Shanna

Have a question you want answered (anonymously)? Contact me and I’ll post the answer!

Jun 132011
 

Shanna-

You’re always telling people about lubricant and its importance in sex. I think I know the different between silicone lube and water based lube, but what if I want a tasty lube for oral sex (both blow jobs and eating out), that is also safe for vaginal intercourse? I know some flavored lubes contain sugar. What do I do?

Tentative and Taste Challenged

Hey T n’ T!

Great question. A good deal of cheap flavored lubes contain sugar — it’s my advice to stay far far away from those. Now, there are a lot of pretty decent flavored lubes that are sugar free, but contain glycerin. I always suggest people try to avoid glycerin, as it is derived from glucose, which is a type of sugar — many people have sensitivities to it, and it can cause irritation or yeast infections in some people who use it. However, if you have no issues with glycerin, System Jo makes a whole bunch of flavors (think Watermelon, Strawberry, Raspberry Sorbet, Lemon and Chocolate) ; I like to mix and match them to make new tastes. If you’re looking for a tasty glycerin free lube, Sliquid makes a variety of yummy flavors (like Blue Raspberry, Green Apple, Pink Lemonade, and Cherry Vanilla) and Wet Naturals has a glycerin free, natural Strawberry lube that is actually pretty good.

Otherwise, you can always use one lube for blow jobs, and wipe it off or hop in the shower and switch to another.

Best of luck!

-Shanna

Apr 282011
 

Question:

What are some good pointers for beginning pegging?

Answer:

Fabulous question. For those not in the know, the verb pegging describes the act of a female bodied (or identified) person strapping it on (with harness and cock/dildo of some sort) and penetrating their male bodied (or identified partner) in the ass. Of course, blow jobs on said strap on, and hand jobs, can be involved as well. I’d say it has definitely been a hot topic over the past year or so, making this a very timely question.

Step one; have the “pegger” pick out a harness in which they feel sexy and comfortable. Some people prefer the two strap joque style, some the one strap g-string style, some the boyshort style, and a few people (who tend to have kegel muscles of steel) like the strapless strap on, like the Feeldoe or Nexus. If the peggee is an anal beginner, and the pegger likes the strapless strap on, I’d suggest starting with the Share Extra Small, so it feels good and size isn’t an issue.

Step two; have the “peggee” chose the dildo they would like to have penetrating their ass. Don’t forget that often, our eyes are much bigger than our parts, and while it might seem like a “manly” or “macho” thing to choose a large dildo like the Lonestar or Outlaw, you should start small and work your way up. If the peggee is really beginning, the Tantus Silk Small is a great toy to start with. If you’re looking for something more mid-range, the Vixen Vibrating Mistress Dildo is pretty awesome. You can use condoms on the dildos for easy clean up (and/or sharing), but if that doesn’t interest you, make sure to invest in a good quality, 100% medical grade silicone dildo (good brands include Tantus, Fun Factory, Vixen Creations, Happy Valley, Whipspider Rubberworks, etc), because you can dishwash it or boil it to sterilize it, and you’ll know it is a good, body friendly material.

Step three; LUBE. Please don’t take this lightly. The anus has not way of providing natural lubrication, so you HAVE to add it, and 99% of the time, spit doesn’t cut it. Guess what? Even porn stars usually use lube — you just don’t get to see the pleasure of them applying it. Add the damn lube. If you’re using a soft toy, your best bet is water based lubricant (because silicone lube can ruin your nice silicone toys). My favorite water based lube for anal play is Maximus, but other great lubes are Sliquid Organics and Pink Water. Lube is love folks — I have a sticker that proves it. NEVER use numbing or desensitizing lube for anal play (or anything), as it can lead to serious damage of the anal tissue. If it hurts, STOP.

Step four; communicate. Both the pegger and peggee need to talk about their needs and wants from this experience. Is it to have gender play? Sissification? Power play? Just wanting to try something new? Is this going to be part of foreplay, the main event, or for dessert? Is there a position one of you wants to try? What is important to each of you, and how can you make it happen? If you don’t communicate first (if talking makes you nervous, try email or texting), it’s going to be way less fulfilling and fun, and might even suck. Also, remember, to go slow, to give feedback, and to remember to laugh — when dealing with strap ons, the likelihood that the cock will pop out and the pegger will keep going is high. Hopefully, you can have fun with the person who you’re fucking with, since it’ll make it a better experience over all.

Good luck, and June 9th, I’m teaching Harness Your Pleasure: Strap On 101, which will included conversation about pegging, at the Fascinations in Aurora, CO (and am happy to book this class elsewhere as well).

-Shanna

Have a question you want answered (anonymously)? Contact me and I’ll post the answer!

Nov 282010
 

This person had THREE questions, so I’m going to be answering them all together.

Question 1: Do all men and women masturbate?

Answer 1: Great question…and well, how would we even begin to figure out if all people masturbate? What if you masturbate once a year — does that count as actively masturbating? Or what if you do it every single day, but never even touch your genitals (some people can masturbate this way) — does that count as being someone who masturbates?

People are so unique and different that it’s incredibly hard to answer this one. Do MOST people, of all sexes and genders, try masturbation at SOME point in there life? DEFINITELY — almost everyone has experimented with masturbation.  But as far as who masturbates and how often? We cannot make big generic statements about that. Lots and lots of people masturbate; men, women, and people with other gender identities as well…some do it daily, others weekly, some do it when they’re stressed, others never masturbate when stressed. It’s constantly changing!

Question 2: How do you know when a woman has an orgasm?

Answer 2: You ask her. I mean, really, that’s how you can tell. Different women experience orgasm differently…sometimes the same woman will have different orgasms due to different types of stimulation — there is no way to REALLY just know. Now, usually moaning is good, there is often (but not always) a redder tint on their face/breasts called a sex flush, but these are also general signs of arousal. Sometimes someone will say “I’m coming” or “oh god oh god oh god” or “holy guacamole” and then suddenly be more still and quiet. Other people will want more stimulation post orgasm, so you can’t tell. Just ask. You don’t have to say “did you come/” but things like “how was that for you?” or “do you want me to keep going?” let you know if your partner wants some more/some different action.

Question 3: Can you get someone pregnant from pre-cum?

Answer 3: I get asked this all the time. Yes. Pre-cum, or pre-ejaculate, can sometimes contain sperm…this means playing “just the tip” or using the withdrawl method is not a sure shooting way to practice birth control/contraception. However, the biggest concern I have with the sharing of body fluids like pre-cum doesn’t have anything to do with sperm. Pre-ejaculate also can contain STIs (sexually transmitted infections) and you can give it to (or get it from) your partner.  An estimate 75% or so of sexually active people in the US have at least one STI — and most of them don’t even know it.  So your best bet to keeping both yourself and your partner safer from transmission is to put the condom on before the penis goes in the mouth, vagina or anus!

-Shanna

Have a question you want answered (anonymously)? Contact me and I’ll post the answer!

Nov 222010
 

Question: I am in a long distance relationship and my girlfriend wants to sleep with other people with no emotional attachment. Is it more likely than not that if we tried this, our relationship would tank?

Answer: I’m not going to put a probability on it. Why? Because I don’t know how well you communicate, how your relationship is right now, how long you’ve been long distance, or how you personally feel about consensual non-monogamy. All of these are factors that can and will contribute to how well this will work out.

Step one: Get a copy of Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. You can click the link to buy it, but lots and lots of libraries have it to check out, or one of your friends may have it to borrow. Make sure both of you read it, especially the parts about “is non-monogamy right for you” and the sections about jealousy. Not everyone is suited for non-monogamy, and even those that are may not be ready for it now, or know how to make it fit with their current partner.

Once you’ve read this, think about how it makes you feel when your girlfriend talks about this. Happy that she’s getting more physical needs met? Sad that you can’t do it for her? Angry that she’d consider this? Jealous that she wants to do it? There are tons and tons of emotions that center around non-monogamy; there are no right are wrong ones, but you need to recognize that they are there. Also, look online. Lots of bloggers write about polyamory/non-monogamy — there is even a Poly Podcast. Check out these resources, and continue to talk and communicate with your girlfriend.

You may decide to have her give it a try, and realize it doesn’t work. Then you communicate again, and go from there. You may decide not to try it…but you still need to communicate with your partner. Non-monogamy or monogamy will not break you up or keep you together, but lack of communication most certainly will.

-Shanna

Nov 162010
 

Question:

Is it normal that I don’t have multiple orgasms? I’ve read about a million times that I should be able to have all these orgasms. But the truth is, if I have one, the likelihood that I’ll have another one in the next 24 hour period is pretty much zero, and chances are, I probably won’t have another one for several days, no matter what I do. It doesn’t matter if it’s sex, masturbation or whatever. Its like I have one, and then I’m done for at least a day, maybe several. Is this normal?

Answer:

The likelihood that there is anything physically wrong is very, very slim. Not everyone can have multiple orgasms. Period. Just like not everyone can ejaculate. Lots of people can, and many of those people haven’t figured out the mutliple orgasm thing, or ejaculation thing yet, but it’s also important to note that NOT EVERYONE can do these things. By telling people that everyone can, we set people up to be disappointed in themselves, and even be concerned. Vulvas and vaginas are so unique and different, and like different things, so they enjoy pleasure in different ways. Not having multiple orgasms doesn’t mean that ANYTHING is wrong with you.

It’s possible that you might be able to have different types of orgasms through different stimulation (clitoral vs vaginal vs anal vs g-spot vs breasts, etc), but even if not, as long as you are enjoy the orgasm that you ARE having, then you’re golden. Sex is about pleasure and enjoyment, and if you’re having fun and feeling pleasure, then that is what is right for you.

Of course, stronger kegel/PC muscles can increase orgasm intensity, and the possibility of multiple orgasms, but never a guarantee — if you’re interested in experimenting, grab a set of kegel balls to work out your pelvic floor muscles. Sometimes bringing in a switch hitter like your favorite vibe can help help. However, it is 100% normal NOT to have multiple orgasms, and as long as you’re enjoying your sex life in general, you’re good to go.

-Shanna

Have a question you want answered (anonymously)? Contact me and I’ll post the answer!