Jun 132011
 

Shanna-

You’re always telling people about lubricant and its importance in sex. I think I know the different between silicone lube and water based lube, but what if I want a tasty lube for oral sex (both blow jobs and eating out), that is also safe for vaginal intercourse? I know some flavored lubes contain sugar. What do I do?

Tentative and Taste Challenged

Hey T n’ T!

Great question. A good deal of cheap flavored lubes contain sugar — it’s my advice to stay far far away from those. Now, there are a lot of pretty decent flavored lubes that are sugar free, but contain glycerin. I always suggest people try to avoid glycerin, as it is derived from glucose, which is a type of sugar — many people have sensitivities to it, and it can cause irritation or yeast infections in some people who use it. However, if you have no issues with glycerin, System Jo makes a whole bunch of flavors (think Watermelon, Strawberry, Raspberry Sorbet, Lemon and Chocolate) ; I like to mix and match them to make new tastes. If you’re looking for a tasty glycerin free lube, Sliquid makes a variety of yummy flavors (like Blue Raspberry, Green Apple, Pink Lemonade, and Cherry Vanilla) and Wet Naturals has a glycerin free, natural Strawberry lube that is actually pretty good.

Otherwise, you can always use one lube for blow jobs, and wipe it off or hop in the shower and switch to another.

Best of luck!

-Shanna

May 132011
 

In case you were not yet aware, May is National Masturbation Month!

Now, many awareness months bring attention to negative things that may be happening, such as April being National Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Other awareness months focus on getting people to act on something, to change their behavior, like Get Yourself Tested (for STIs) Month.

However, May is all about something fun and pleasurable; masturbation, self love, flying solo, etc. Everyone has the ability, in some way, shape or form, to masturbate. You can do it on your own, you can love yourself while in the same room/bed/space as your partner, you could even be that star of a one person sex show. Whether you use your fingers, toys, a pillow, your mind, porn, erotica, a washing machine, the shower head, an electric toothbrush, a vibrating hair brush, a condomed cucumber (not anal safe unless you carve a base into it), or something else entirely, masturbation is a fabulous way to get to know your sexual self a little better, explore your wants and needs, and let of a little sex-centered steam…as well as a great way to practice safer sex if you’re getting down with a partner.

Orgasms can add endorphins and oxytocin to your system, making you feel super good — whether the orgasm is with a partner, or on your own. Masturbation feels good in general. If you masturbate, you get to know your body better, meaning you can tell current/future partners what you like (and don’t like) as well as know if something is changing in a not so good way (and then you can let your doctor know). For many, masturbation can give you a surge of energy, while for many others, masturbation is a great way to relax, de-stress, and even ease into sleep. One study in Australia found that those with prostates who ejaculated (via masturbation or other sexual activities) 30 times or more a month had a significantly lower risk of getting prostate cancer.

So with all of these reasons to jack and jill off, why not get started? Don’t forget some of the following:

*Whatever way you masturbate (assuming than any viewers/participants are consenting) is the right way for you. There is not holy grail/right way to masturbate. Promise.

*If you’re an exhibitionist, make sure anyone who might stumble across you (roommates, family, park rangers, security guards, etc) is consenting to what they might see.

*If toys are your forte, don’t forget to use body friendly toys (and clean them regularly!), or put a condom on any toy that my contain phthalates or other non-orifice friendly chemicals.

*Have a friend (or two) join in; circle jerks are not just for high school boys (although that is the stereotype). Group masturbation can be fun, and you can learn things.

*Not wanting to share with your friends? If you have a partner, consider inviting them. You can both learn a ton about each others’ bodies, and what your turn ons are!

Happy National Masturbation Month to everyone!

-Shanna

Apr 282011
 

Question:

What are some good pointers for beginning pegging?

Answer:

Fabulous question. For those not in the know, the verb pegging describes the act of a female bodied (or identified) person strapping it on (with harness and cock/dildo of some sort) and penetrating their male bodied (or identified partner) in the ass. Of course, blow jobs on said strap on, and hand jobs, can be involved as well. I’d say it has definitely been a hot topic over the past year or so, making this a very timely question.

Step one; have the “pegger” pick out a harness in which they feel sexy and comfortable. Some people prefer the two strap joque style, some the one strap g-string style, some the boyshort style, and a few people (who tend to have kegel muscles of steel) like the strapless strap on, like the Feeldoe or Nexus. If the peggee is an anal beginner, and the pegger likes the strapless strap on, I’d suggest starting with the Share Extra Small, so it feels good and size isn’t an issue.

Step two; have the “peggee” chose the dildo they would like to have penetrating their ass. Don’t forget that often, our eyes are much bigger than our parts, and while it might seem like a “manly” or “macho” thing to choose a large dildo like the Lonestar or Outlaw, you should start small and work your way up. If the peggee is really beginning, the Tantus Silk Small is a great toy to start with. If you’re looking for something more mid-range, the Vixen Vibrating Mistress Dildo is pretty awesome. You can use condoms on the dildos for easy clean up (and/or sharing), but if that doesn’t interest you, make sure to invest in a good quality, 100% medical grade silicone dildo (good brands include Tantus, Fun Factory, Vixen Creations, Happy Valley, Whipspider Rubberworks, etc), because you can dishwash it or boil it to sterilize it, and you’ll know it is a good, body friendly material.

Step three; LUBE. Please don’t take this lightly. The anus has not way of providing natural lubrication, so you HAVE to add it, and 99% of the time, spit doesn’t cut it. Guess what? Even porn stars usually use lube — you just don’t get to see the pleasure of them applying it. Add the damn lube. If you’re using a soft toy, your best bet is water based lubricant (because silicone lube can ruin your nice silicone toys). My favorite water based lube for anal play is Maximus, but other great lubes are Sliquid Organics and Pink Water. Lube is love folks — I have a sticker that proves it. NEVER use numbing or desensitizing lube for anal play (or anything), as it can lead to serious damage of the anal tissue. If it hurts, STOP.

Step four; communicate. Both the pegger and peggee need to talk about their needs and wants from this experience. Is it to have gender play? Sissification? Power play? Just wanting to try something new? Is this going to be part of foreplay, the main event, or for dessert? Is there a position one of you wants to try? What is important to each of you, and how can you make it happen? If you don’t communicate first (if talking makes you nervous, try email or texting), it’s going to be way less fulfilling and fun, and might even suck. Also, remember, to go slow, to give feedback, and to remember to laugh — when dealing with strap ons, the likelihood that the cock will pop out and the pegger will keep going is high. Hopefully, you can have fun with the person who you’re fucking with, since it’ll make it a better experience over all.

Good luck, and June 9th, I’m teaching Harness Your Pleasure: Strap On 101, which will included conversation about pegging, at the Fascinations in Aurora, CO (and am happy to book this class elsewhere as well).

-Shanna

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Feb 062011
 

Question:

I’m a pretty strict vegan, but also all about the sexy times. I’ve heard horror stories about companies saying lubes are vegan, and then retracting their statements when questioned. What lubes are ACTUALLY vegan?

Answer:

Great question. First of all, check out Furry Girl’s list lubes on her all vegan sex toy site The Sensual Vegan. Basically, Yes is vegan, ALL Sliquid lubes (including some of their delicious flavors – look for the Swirl line) are Vegan, Hathor Lubes are vegan, Blossom Organics are vegan. Good Clean Love once claimed to be vegan, but now states that are are not vegan, only “mostly” vegan.  There are also vegan condoms and vegan dams available, so know that you can protect yourself and your partner(s), and still remain true to your vegan lifestyle!

-Shanna

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Feb 032011
 

This afternoon, I’m super excited to have one of my favorite dommes in the entire world on my Let’s Talk Sex Radio show at 4pm MST. Who could it possibly be?

Why, it’s Mistress Saskia, the headmistress of Pavlovia Denver, owner of the RACK Room, and all around awesome-sauce person!

Mistress Saskia Pavlovia Denver

Mistress Saskia of Pavlovia Denver (Photo Credit: Bizarre Mag)

We’re going to talk kink, BDSM, ropes, role play and oh so much more, for the most novice bondage beginner to those who have lived in the lifestyle. Plus, as always, toy reviews, lots of giveaways, the Position of the Day game, and lots more fun.

Just listen to 1100AM KFNX in the Phoenix area, or head over to the Let’s Talk Sex Radio Show webpage to stream it live on your computer. Tune in, turn on, and have fun!

-Shanna

Jan 172011
 

Question:

My husband and I want to start exploring anal sex. I know that you have to start slow, use fingers first and all of that, but what is a good beginners anal toy to get me started?

Answer:

First of all, before you bring sex toys into the picture, make sure you add lube. It can be either silicone base lubricant or water based lubricant (unless you’re using silicone toys, then just use water based lube), but your butt does NOT naturally lubricate in any way, shape or form, so you need some lube to help it feel better, go in easier, and to help prevent any pain or tearing. My favorite anal lube to suggest is water based and is called Maximus.

As far as toys, my number one anal toy I love recommending to people is the Flexi Felix from Fun Factory, a 100% silicone set of anal beads. You can start small with just one tiny one, and work your way up. Great first timer dildos are the Silk set from Tantus; they come in small, medium and large. Then of course, if you want to go with a butt plug, I like the Tantus B-Bomb or the Crystal Delights Butt Plug, but these are a little more intermediate than anal beads or small, smooth dildos.

Good luck, have fun, and remember; anal sex isn’t supposed to hurt, so if it does begin to feel uncomfortable, STOP!

-Shanna

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Dec 222010
 

Question:

Is it normal for a guy to bleed during a blow job?

Answer:

For the most part, no. Can it happen? Certainly. Skin on the penis (and definitely on the scrotum covering the testicles) is pretty hardy, but can get nicked by teeth, braces, etc. If it happens once and is just a little blood, make sure to clean it, move onto a different activity, let it heal, and be careful with sharp objects in the future. However, if it continues to happen, or is accompanied by sores, bleeding from the urethra (the “pee-hole”), pain, etc — go to the doctor. Of course, if it is severe bleeding that you cannot stop, it’s time to hop over the ER and have it checked out right away.

If you or your partner did in fact nick it with teeth, nails, etc, it’s ok. Sex mishaps happen all the time. Clean up, hug a little, and definitely laugh about it.

Hope that helps,

-Shanna

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Dec 032010
 

Question:

Why do guys like to cum (ejaculate) on their partners?

Answer:

Great question. Well, first of all, not all guys like to ejaculate on their partners. Some prefer to do it inside their partner, and/or inside a condom. Others prefer to do it in a towel/rag (some people call it a cum towel or cum cloth). Yet others like to ejaculate on themselves. It all depends on the guy you’re talking about.

In mainstream porn, the “cum shot” (the guy ejaculating on the woman’s chest/face/etc) has become extremely popular, and therefore has become popular in our culture. However, ejaculating on someone else’s face/chest/butt doesn’t change the ejaculation sensation. Ergo, if someone wants to be ejaculated on, then great; they should let their partner know that this activity turns them on and that they’d like to have that done. However, if someone does not in fact want this to happen, they should also explain to their partner that they are not into this activity, and would prefer for them to ejaculate else where.

This conversation should definitely be had before sexual play starts, so that there is no confusion at the moment of ejaculation as to where the penis should be pointing.

Hope that helps,

-Shanna

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Nov 282010
 

This person had THREE questions, so I’m going to be answering them all together.

Question 1: Do all men and women masturbate?

Answer 1: Great question…and well, how would we even begin to figure out if all people masturbate? What if you masturbate once a year — does that count as actively masturbating? Or what if you do it every single day, but never even touch your genitals (some people can masturbate this way) — does that count as being someone who masturbates?

People are so unique and different that it’s incredibly hard to answer this one. Do MOST people, of all sexes and genders, try masturbation at SOME point in there life? DEFINITELY — almost everyone has experimented with masturbation.  But as far as who masturbates and how often? We cannot make big generic statements about that. Lots and lots of people masturbate; men, women, and people with other gender identities as well…some do it daily, others weekly, some do it when they’re stressed, others never masturbate when stressed. It’s constantly changing!

Question 2: How do you know when a woman has an orgasm?

Answer 2: You ask her. I mean, really, that’s how you can tell. Different women experience orgasm differently…sometimes the same woman will have different orgasms due to different types of stimulation — there is no way to REALLY just know. Now, usually moaning is good, there is often (but not always) a redder tint on their face/breasts called a sex flush, but these are also general signs of arousal. Sometimes someone will say “I’m coming” or “oh god oh god oh god” or “holy guacamole” and then suddenly be more still and quiet. Other people will want more stimulation post orgasm, so you can’t tell. Just ask. You don’t have to say “did you come/” but things like “how was that for you?” or “do you want me to keep going?” let you know if your partner wants some more/some different action.

Question 3: Can you get someone pregnant from pre-cum?

Answer 3: I get asked this all the time. Yes. Pre-cum, or pre-ejaculate, can sometimes contain sperm…this means playing “just the tip” or using the withdrawl method is not a sure shooting way to practice birth control/contraception. However, the biggest concern I have with the sharing of body fluids like pre-cum doesn’t have anything to do with sperm. Pre-ejaculate also can contain STIs (sexually transmitted infections) and you can give it to (or get it from) your partner.  An estimate 75% or so of sexually active people in the US have at least one STI — and most of them don’t even know it.  So your best bet to keeping both yourself and your partner safer from transmission is to put the condom on before the penis goes in the mouth, vagina or anus!

-Shanna

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Nov 222010
 

Question: I am in a long distance relationship and my girlfriend wants to sleep with other people with no emotional attachment. Is it more likely than not that if we tried this, our relationship would tank?

Answer: I’m not going to put a probability on it. Why? Because I don’t know how well you communicate, how your relationship is right now, how long you’ve been long distance, or how you personally feel about consensual non-monogamy. All of these are factors that can and will contribute to how well this will work out.

Step one: Get a copy of Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. You can click the link to buy it, but lots and lots of libraries have it to check out, or one of your friends may have it to borrow. Make sure both of you read it, especially the parts about “is non-monogamy right for you” and the sections about jealousy. Not everyone is suited for non-monogamy, and even those that are may not be ready for it now, or know how to make it fit with their current partner.

Once you’ve read this, think about how it makes you feel when your girlfriend talks about this. Happy that she’s getting more physical needs met? Sad that you can’t do it for her? Angry that she’d consider this? Jealous that she wants to do it? There are tons and tons of emotions that center around non-monogamy; there are no right are wrong ones, but you need to recognize that they are there. Also, look online. Lots of bloggers write about polyamory/non-monogamy — there is even a Poly Podcast. Check out these resources, and continue to talk and communicate with your girlfriend.

You may decide to have her give it a try, and realize it doesn’t work. Then you communicate again, and go from there. You may decide not to try it…but you still need to communicate with your partner. Non-monogamy or monogamy will not break you up or keep you together, but lack of communication most certainly will.

-Shanna