Aug 202012
 

Want to know how much lube to use? How to tell if someone is gay? How to bring up conversation about having a threesome? Which strap on is right for you? How to have anal sex without pain? What is the best way to pick someone up for casual sex? How to spice up your sex life after decades of love?

I have been writing a sexuality & relationship Q and A column for Out Front Colorado (as well as other posts on sexuality in the community – click here to read all of my writing) and am always looking for anonymous questions, from folks all across the country, to answer as part of this column that is published every other week.

Have a question you’d like answered? Shoot me an email at ShannaKatz at gmail.com and I’ll make sure to answer it AND email you the link when I do. I will not name you or your actual location, and no question is too mild or wild. You can also comment with questions you’d like answered, tweet them to me @shanna_katz, or send them via carrier snail.

Looking forward to helping assuage your curiosity!

-Shanna

Nov 282010
 

This person had THREE questions, so I’m going to be answering them all together.

Question 1: Do all men and women masturbate?

Answer 1: Great question…and well, how would we even begin to figure out if all people masturbate? What if you masturbate once a year — does that count as actively masturbating? Or what if you do it every single day, but never even touch your genitals (some people can masturbate this way) — does that count as being someone who masturbates?

People are so unique and different that it’s incredibly hard to answer this one. Do MOST people, of all sexes and genders, try masturbation at SOME point in there life? DEFINITELY — almost everyone has experimented with masturbation.  But as far as who masturbates and how often? We cannot make big generic statements about that. Lots and lots of people masturbate; men, women, and people with other gender identities as well…some do it daily, others weekly, some do it when they’re stressed, others never masturbate when stressed. It’s constantly changing!

Question 2: How do you know when a woman has an orgasm?

Answer 2: You ask her. I mean, really, that’s how you can tell. Different women experience orgasm differently…sometimes the same woman will have different orgasms due to different types of stimulation — there is no way to REALLY just know. Now, usually moaning is good, there is often (but not always) a redder tint on their face/breasts called a sex flush, but these are also general signs of arousal. Sometimes someone will say “I’m coming” or “oh god oh god oh god” or “holy guacamole” and then suddenly be more still and quiet. Other people will want more stimulation post orgasm, so you can’t tell. Just ask. You don’t have to say “did you come/” but things like “how was that for you?” or “do you want me to keep going?” let you know if your partner wants some more/some different action.

Question 3: Can you get someone pregnant from pre-cum?

Answer 3: I get asked this all the time. Yes. Pre-cum, or pre-ejaculate, can sometimes contain sperm…this means playing “just the tip” or using the withdrawl method is not a sure shooting way to practice birth control/contraception. However, the biggest concern I have with the sharing of body fluids like pre-cum doesn’t have anything to do with sperm. Pre-ejaculate also can contain STIs (sexually transmitted infections) and you can give it to (or get it from) your partner.  An estimate 75% or so of sexually active people in the US have at least one STI — and most of them don’t even know it.  So your best bet to keeping both yourself and your partner safer from transmission is to put the condom on before the penis goes in the mouth, vagina or anus!

-Shanna

Have a question you want answered (anonymously)? Contact me and I’ll post the answer!

Nov 222010
 

Question: I am in a long distance relationship and my girlfriend wants to sleep with other people with no emotional attachment. Is it more likely than not that if we tried this, our relationship would tank?

Answer: I’m not going to put a probability on it. Why? Because I don’t know how well you communicate, how your relationship is right now, how long you’ve been long distance, or how you personally feel about consensual non-monogamy. All of these are factors that can and will contribute to how well this will work out.

Step one: Get a copy of Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. You can click the link to buy it, but lots and lots of libraries have it to check out, or one of your friends may have it to borrow. Make sure both of you read it, especially the parts about “is non-monogamy right for you” and the sections about jealousy. Not everyone is suited for non-monogamy, and even those that are may not be ready for it now, or know how to make it fit with their current partner.

Once you’ve read this, think about how it makes you feel when your girlfriend talks about this. Happy that she’s getting more physical needs met? Sad that you can’t do it for her? Angry that she’d consider this? Jealous that she wants to do it? There are tons and tons of emotions that center around non-monogamy; there are no right are wrong ones, but you need to recognize that they are there. Also, look online. Lots of bloggers write about polyamory/non-monogamy — there is even a Poly Podcast. Check out these resources, and continue to talk and communicate with your girlfriend.

You may decide to have her give it a try, and realize it doesn’t work. Then you communicate again, and go from there. You may decide not to try it…but you still need to communicate with your partner. Non-monogamy or monogamy will not break you up or keep you together, but lack of communication most certainly will.

-Shanna