Feb 192015

Ok. So hopefully, we’re all over the hype of 50 Shades of WTF. Yes, it is a fictional book written at a 9th grade reading level based on fan fiction of Twilight that does not represent an accurate, well consented kink relationship. It is not a book I personally would ever suggest to someone to “try out” their feelings on kink.

However, what is has done is engaged hundred of thousands, millions even, of folks who never knew they were kinky. Stay at home soccer parents, aging adults reading this book instead of knitting on trains, younger folks wanting *something* more from sex, but not sure what, have now found something that makes their bits tingle in a whole new way. It made it OK to have conversations around being turned on by bondage, power exchange, etc. Heck, even Target carried the 50 Shades of Grey line of kink-ish merch in their stores. It was acceptable, more than ever before, to be interested in kink, and to talk about it. Moreover, we’ve had more conversations about consent (in kinky AND vanilla aka non-kinky relationships alike) than I have ever engaged in through my life. This is good. And now what?

Here is a list of places (books, educators, videos, etc.) where you might want to direct your newly kinky or at least exploring friends, clients, selves, etc. I hope it helps people engage in this world of kink, BDSM, fetishes, etc., in a way that is fun, communicative and consensual. And perhaps well written.


Shanna Katz, Kink Educator


Erotica (other naughty books to enjoy):

Laura Antoniou’s Marketplace series (start with Book 1 – The Marketplace)

Becoming Sage and Saving Sunni by Kasi and Reggie Alexander

The Sleeping Beauty Series by Anne Rice

Best Bondage Erotica 2015 edited by Rachel Krammer Bussel

Bound for Trouble: BDSM Erotica for Women edited by Alison Tyler

Best Lesbian Bondage Erotica edited by Tristan Taormino

(side note: any erotica anthology edited by the above folks is bound to be delightful. BOUND. See what I did there?)


How to Books to Check Out:

SM 101 by Jay Wiseman

The Ultimate Guide to Kink by Tristan Taormino

As Kinky as You Wanna Be by Shanna Germain (disclaimer: I have a short essay on communication in this book)

Playing Well with Others by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams

Wild Side Sex: the Book of Kink by Midori

Your Pleasure Map by Shanna Katz (not all about kink but has a section on it…and also a section on health communication and consent – disclaimer: this is by me)

Shibari You Can Use by Lee Harrington


Websites with How-To-Videos:

KinkAcademy.com (disclaimer: I have videos on this site)

NewToKink.com (disclaimer: I have videos on this site)


Educators to Check Out (other than me, obviously!):

(not exhaustive…also, a lot of kink educators only do in person workshops and do not have websites, so check out FetLife.com, which is a social media site for kinky folks to find kink educational events near you)

Carol Queen

Charlie Glickman

Cleo DuBois

Ducky Doolittle

Eve Minax


Julian Wolf

Laura Antoninou

Lee Harrington

Lolita Wolf

Megan Andelloux


Mollena William

Nina Hartley

Pucker Up – Tristan Taormino

Reid About Sex

Sarah Sloane

Sinclair Sexsmith

Need New Kinky/Sexy Toys: Body Friendly Toy and Lube Companies

Places to Buy Kinky/Sexy Toys: Feminist/Sex Positive Toy Stores

Oct 012010

I made editor’s pick! Hurray!

Photo courtesy of Dangerous Lilly

Welcome to e[lust] – Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #21? Start with the rules, check out the schedule and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Week’s Top Three Posts ~

On Making Sex Last: Cheerleading & Open Relationships – as long as the possession stuff can be fun and consensual, and not interfering with each other’s sovereignty, I think the two—cheerleading and possession—aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive.

Owned – I had almost forgotten that while here, with him, I was HIS plaything. I was OWNED by him. We had discussed this. I knew the rules. I must not forget again.

The sheer indecency of what we are doing – Is he looking for what I’m looking for? Surely so—all men want that, don’t they? A flaming succubus that comes only in the dark to bring unworldly pleasures and leave behind strange lingering dreams that spice their dutiful daytime lives.

~ Featured Post (Lilly’s Pick) ~

Stop Hating on Campus Sex Education – Clearly, there is a need for this education, because if it doesn’t come from sexuality educators, it comes from word of mouth (which can often provide incorrect information), or from the internet, or from trial and error.

~ e[lust] Editress ~

Is it Really “Strange” Sex?

See also: Pleasurists #96 and #97 for all your sex toy review needs.

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Kink & Fetish

A teabreak tawsing
Blow job
Caribbean Screw
His evil twin
My adventure in subbing continues
My Big Pink Robot
Play Party!
Sisters unite for the MFW, part 2
The one with the Violet Wand
Turning Lemons into Lemonade
Wanton Wednesday: Bitten

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Cunning Linguists Are We: Cunnilingus 101
Crushing Swingerphobia by Hitting the Club
Coming Out & Invisible Illness
Hold Up Stockings
My First Grue in Review
NSE – New Swinger Energy
Relationships and Emotions
Sadie’s Thoughts on Cheating. Confession #507
Three’s Company, Too – Dreaming of the Multi-Relationship Home
The Sisterhood
Thoughts on bisexuality and visibility
When I’m Done With Crying…
Why Lie, Why Cheat?

Erotic Writing

A Raise
Any Idea?
Building the Anticipation
Coming Back to Me
Extraordinary Uses for Ordinary Objects
“Enslaved The Story of Jen” Chapter 13
Fantasy: Waking Up
Hotel windows…
I Give Good Head
Lipstick Kisses
Like Mother, Like Daughter
My first little girly night
One Night With NSVG
Oh, What a Night!
Something in the Air
sacks, part one
The Quick Ebony Fux
up lateish

May 092010

Hey all!

As you may remember, I was working (and still am) on an anthology about sexuality and disability, tentatively titled Sexual Ability. I posted a Call for Submissions, I had people repost it, but got very few essays.

For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out why. Similar anthology calls were getting dozens if not more pieces submitted. I’d made sure to mirror mine in a very professional, academic way, covering many of the topics, and all of the requirements.

And a few months back, a message I got on FetLife answered my question. And I feel so stupid for having not realized this.

Because of the subject matter, I was screwing myself over. I wanted people who had disabilites to write about their struggles with them, and how it was sometimes difficult fitting sexuality into their lives…in an academic way, with lots of thoughts and edits and _____.

There are many problems with this. First of all, it was a classist call. Why? Because not everyone has the background and/or ability to write an academically styled essay. If you didn’t have the opportunity to go to college (none the less grad school), how would you even know where to get started?

And secondly, I’m asking people for who (in some case) they may get completely drained just getting to the kitchen to put forth a huge amount of thought and effort. How unfair is that?

So I re-examined, re-looked at my concept, and have decided to do a survey of people with disabilities and their partners, where they can just fill in a sheet of questions when they feel up to it, as much or as little in the way of answers as they’d like. And then I will put this information I gather in this informal qualitative survey and put it together into a book celebrating sexuality and dis/ability. Thank you to Tristan Taormino for her suggestions on survey length, approaching people, etc.

So without any more rigamorale, here is the Sexually Able Call for Participants. Please feel free to re-post anywhere and everywhere. I’d love to get not only a large number of responses, but also a very diverse one.


Call for Participants: Sexually Able

Sexually Able aims to bring light upon sexuality and dis/ability, and create a path for peoples’ voices to be heard.

What is it? It’s a large scale survey of self identified people with disabilities and their partners.  Eventually, it’ll be turned into a book for people to read, enjoy and see the rich and diverse sexuality that is within the disability community.

Why is this needed? As we enter the second decade of the 21st century, there is still a large gap in people’s minds when they think about sexuality as it relates to people with disabilities, whether cognitively or physically. While some studies have been performed regarding the potential for differently-able people to lead satisfying sexual lives, in which satisfying seems to center around the ability to orgasm, very little has been written about the experiences involving the sexualities and experiences of people who identify as people with disabilities/ handicapped/disabled/differently-able, as well as their partners.

People of all ability levels are sexual beings. Sex is hard enough to navigate and negotiate when one fits in with society’s notions of what a sexual being is, but once you add in the concept of ability, it can become quite challenge. This book, through these surveys, seeks to bring forward the stories, challenges and experiences of people of various ability levels and their partners, putting a face on the trials that so many valuable members of our society must face and the positive experiences as well. By sharing the experiences of the dis/ability community in relation to sexuality, Sexually Able hopes to challenge people’s viewpoints, foster discussion and conversation, and open doors towards a shift in the social constructions surrounding sexuality and disability.

What does it involve?

Just fill out one of the surveys (for people with disabilities or for partners of PWD), send it in, and have your voice and experiences heard. You’re welcome to take your time, and fill in as much or as little information as you’d like. If you need assistance in completing your survey, please let us know. Please feel free to pass this site/these surveys on to your friends, lovers, support groups, therapists, doctors, caregivers, and anyone else that may identify as having a disability or as a partner of someone with a disability.

For more information and/or to fill out the surveys, please visit http://sexuallyable.wordpress.com. Questions? Email SexuallyAbleBook@gmail.com.

Who is behind Sexually Able?

Shanna Katz M.Ed is a full spectrum sexuality educator with a Master’s of Human Sexuality Education from Widener University. She is currently based in Phoenix, AZ, is the resident sexuality educator for Fascinations, and a member of AASECT (the American Association of Sexuality Educator, Counselors and Therapists). As a sexuality educator, she travels the country teaching workshops at colleges, sex toy stores, dungeons, sexuality conferences and more.

Shanna has a special interest in working in sexuality and dis/ability, and runs workshops and discussions about the intersection of these identities, how to build sex positivity in communities of PWD, negotiating disability in a BDSM context and more.  She’s also working on an anthology regarding sexuality and dis/ability, entitled Sexual Ability.  Please see the call for submissions to submit an essay.

Note on definitions of disability (or the lack of): This survey is for those who identify as someone with a disability, someone who is disable, someone who is differently able, any other such identity and the partners of the former. There is no hierarchy of disability, nor is there any exact definition. If you identify as one of the aforementioned, please feel free to take the survey.

Feb 122010

I would say that of my more “hands on” workshops, fisting is definitely the fav; it is the most requested, and almost consistantly sells out/becomes standing room only.  I’m always surprised by this, and then I realize, really, how many people get so see fisting up close and personal, in a healthy and safe environment, with good information? Not many.  And that, my friends, is why Vaginal Fisting for One and All gets people to come again and again. Not pun intended; I’ve had a lot of repeat students in my classes!

Let’s talk fisting.  One of my twitter followers oh so kindly pointed out that she’d looked for an article on fisting, or how to fist a vagina, or vaginal fisting 101 by me, and couldn’t find anything. I felt a little of a failure, and so, here it is.  While of course, coming to a class (mine or someone else’s) is obviously a more in-depth (oh, I’m so punny) experience, here are some great tips for those of you without the opportunity to experience fisting education up close and personal.

Firstly, when people think fisting, they often think of a big, angry fist, like the kind you’d punch someone with.  While some people do enjoy more aggressive fisting with a full fist, that’s not where you start off.  Make a big duck lip with your hand.  THAT is what you’re going to begin with (well, you begin with one finger, then two, and work your way up to the duck lips). Every vagina/cunt/etc is different; the direction that it will go in depends on the person. You might hold it rightside up, upside down, or even sideways or on a diagonal angle.  It’s like putting a puzzle together, except it involves a hand and a opening instead of puzzle pieces. Exploring the vagina or exploring the cunt (whatever work you prefer), is part of the fun!

The key to fisting is to go slowly, as you’ll read more about below.  Slow and steady wins the race. It might not happen the first time, second time, even the first ten times you try. That’s ok.  This is not about who get get their hand inside their partner the fastest. It’s about a really instense and immensely enjoyable experience. If it doesn’t happen at first, enjoy the journey and the experience and the exploration, and try try again, using different angles, etc.

Once inside, you can curl your duck bill into a fist. You can SLOWLY (to begin with — ask your partner if they want to speed it up) move it in and out a little, you can knock like you’re gently banging on a door, you can roll your knuckles; experiement.  Figure out what the two of you enjoy doing best, and what feels the best for your partner.

On the way out, make sure you use a finger on the other hand to break the suction that often occurs, and then take time to pull out, possibly almost as much as you did going in.  The vagina/cunt area can be sore, or at least very sensitive.  Sudden movements are usually not appreciated.

Some people prefer being fisting after they’ve already had an orgasm or two; others prefer to just go for the gold. While being fisted, some people enjoy additional stimulaton of the nipples, vulva, clit or anus, with fingers or a vibrator; many people like to pair fisting with the Hitachi. Others don’t want to be touched. Ask. Always ask. Some people can orgasm once or multiple times with a fist inside them, others can’t.  There is no “right” way to enjoy fisting.

Fisting shouldn’t hurt. There may be some pressure, the feeling of being stretched, etc, but there should not be pain. If that is the case, slow down, add lube, ask your partner if they want you to back down a finger or two, etc.  Let the person being fisted (the “fistee”) make these decisions. It is their body that they’re dealing with here.

If done with patience, lube, an open mind and communication, fisting can be an absolutely amazing/intense/fun/enjoyable/spiritual/out of body/ridiculously awesome/etc experience. It’s not angry, aggressive, violent, etc (unless coupled with other types of sex play). It should be enjoyed.  Again, it’s not the holy grail of sex, but just one more amazing aspect that can be explored.

There are four ground rules:

Rule 1: Patience

Almost everyone with a vagina/cunt/front hole/whatever term your prefer *can* be fisted. However, not every vagina can be fisted by every hand, and not every vagina can be fisted right away. Sometimes, a hand is just too big, and no matter how much lube, relaxation, laughter, trust, patience, time, fun, etc there is, it’s not going to happen.

That said, most people *can* make it work with their chosen partner. This doesn’t mean that it’ll happen overnight. Sometimes it will. Sometimes it can take a few tries. And sometimes, this is a months long endeavor. All of these options are perfectly normal; human bodies are obviously very different, and so is our ability to be fisted.  So don’t try to hurry it, to force it, anything like that.

Rule 2: It’s a journey, not a goal

Your body knows what is up; it’s usually somehow connected to your brain.  So when you think “ok, I HAVE to have that whole hand in here tonight, no matter what,” your vagina might be like “Um, ‘scuse me, but HELLLL NO.”  The more pressure you place on yourself to have a sexual goal (orgasm, ejaculation, fisting, etc), often times the more it stresses you out, begins to shut your body down, and make it impossible. Fisting IS super fun, but it should be one of those things that is fabulous if/when it does happen, but is not the end all, be all of sex.  Have fun getting two fingers in, fucking with three, exploring with four.  A whole hand is cool, but it’s not everything. Enjoy exploring each other, and if fisting happens, then great.

Rule 3: Lube

People always laugh when I say this, but I’m dead serious.  Some people produce a lot of natural lube, some people don’t (for various reasons; allergy meds, hormonal birth control, stress, etc). Natural lubrication is NOT an indication of turned on someone is. If you really want to know if they’re excited, and their sounds and actions don’t help you know, ASK THEM. Don’t use lube as a barometer.

That said, fisting requires lube. Natural lube is great, but over time, people tend to run out, dry up a little, your hand (if you’re not wearing a glove) absorbs a lot of the lube, it gets sticky, there isn’t as much as you’d like.  And so on.  So get some. Both water based and silicone based lube are great for fisting; usually, the thicker, the better. I personally love Maximus, which is a gel-like water based, glycerin free lube in an easy access pump bottle. Sliquid Organics is a great all natural lube, and Bodyglide is my favorite silicone lube.

Make sure it’s easy access, because you only have one free hand. Pump tops are great, other wise, remove the top before you begin. Make sure you have lube all the way around your hand, and keep adding as needed. If water-based lube dries out, just add water (spit, squirt gun, spray bottle, etc) to reactivate it. If you still need more lube, add more. It is very difficult to have TOO much lubrication during fisting.

As a side note, using latex or nitrile gloves during fisting can make it an even better experience. You don’t have to worry about rough skin or hang nails hurting the fistee, and the fister’s hand won’t get all prune-y.  Also, gloves don’t absorb lube, so a little bit will go a longer way. And of course, gloves are great for having safer sex, so you aren’t worrying about the transfer of any fluids.

Rule 4: Communicate

You HAVE to communicate, especially the first couple of times you do this. This is NOT the time to try out the new ball gag and bondage. Communitate.  Talk, feel, touch. However you and your partner communicate, make sure you do it.  Have the fistee let the fister know how things are going, whether they need more time/stimulation/lube before moving to the next level, or whether they want the fister to go all the way. Make sure the fister communicates whether they’re getting a hand cramp, getting tired, need a drink of water, etc. You think I’m joking, but when you’re trying to stick a whole hand into a relatively small hole, communicating is really really important.

Once you get towards the very end, when it’s almost all the way in, many fisters like to check in with the fistee, asking them whether they should push their whole hand in past that stubborn area, or whether the fistee wants to ease themself down onto the fisters hand. It can go either way, but make sure both of you know which it’s going to be; other wise, it can be a bit awkward.

Fisting Q and A (questions I’ve actually been asked at workshops):

Q: Will fisting ruin me for “normal” sex?

A: NO! Of course not.  Just because you’ve been fisted doesn’t mean now you can ONLY be fisted and won’t enjoy other types of sexual activity. People who have been fisting can and do enjoy oral sex, anal sex, oral-anal sex, cocks, dicks, dildos, fingers, vibrators, butt blugs, shower heads, hot tubs and more.  In fact, even if you fist on a regular basis, and then take some time (a month +) off of fisting, you may have to start up all slowly again.  The body is an amazing thing, and vaginas/cunts are very elastic. They go right back to where they were.

Q: Can I be fisted if I’ve given birth?

A: Yes! You might even have an easier time of it.

Q: Isn’t fisting just for gay men?

A: I love fisting, and I’m not a gay man. Seriously though, everyone can enjoy some kind of fisting if they’re interested.

Q: What about PC muscles/kegel exercises?

A: Having strong PC muscles can help with strong, longer and more frequent orgasms, and have help with ejaculation/squirting/gushing in some people. If you’re being fisting and do some kegels, the fister can definitely feel it around their hand, which feels cool, and the fistee might experience some more intense sensations.

Q: Can you double fist someone with two hands?

A: If both they and their body is up for it, certainly! It can be lots of fun, either with two hands from the same person, or a hand each from different people.

Q: Can someone be anally penetrated at the same time they’re being fisted in the vagina/cunt?

A: Yes, just a) make sure there is lots of lube, and b) be careful.  That wall of skin between the vagina and anus is strong but a bit delicate; too much aggressive play on both sides at the same time could cause tears and soreness.

Q: Can I be fisted after a hysterctomy?

A: Check with your doctor, but in most cases, after you are healed, yes. I’ve talk to people at my workshops who have had (or whose partners have had) hysterectomies.  Some have had not problem with it (and have found it easier with more space), and others have found that it becomes more difficult. Again, always check with your doctor, whether it’s new rope ties on someone with arthritis, breath play with someone with asthma, or putting a fist in someone what has surgery.

Q: I have a catherter — can I be fisted?

A: Check with your doctor. In most cases, yes, but it’s very important to check with your doctor before doing so (see above). The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom has a list of kink friendly professionals, and FetLife has many good referrals to kink friendly professionals as well.

Q: Do you have a book about fisting?

A: Not yet, but I’d love to write one. In the mean time, there is a great book called Hand in the Bush; The Art of Vaginal Fisting by Deborah Addington.

Questions you’d like to have answered? Leave a comment!

Feb 102010

The American Psychiatric Association just released a list of proposed changes for sexual and gender identity disorders for the DSM-5, and are looking for feedback.  I’m still not sure how I feel about things, but I think it’s important that everyone concerned with sexuality (gender, BDSM, trans, hyper sexual arousal, pain disorders, hypo active sexual desire, etc) check this out and see what they think, and give a reponse.

Please click here to see proposed changes.


Some thoughts.

*I like putting hypo active sexual desire disorder under female arousal disorder and male arousal disorder. The previous version was too male-centric.

*I like changing gender identity disorder to gender incongruence, as it is NOT in any way a disorder, but it is often a body disphoria, and if it remains in some way in the DSM, transfolk will have a slightly easier time getting insurance to pay for therapy, and possibly hormones and surgery.

*I DO NOT like the definition of hyper sexual disorder. Basically, everyone with a healthy sexuality, who thinks about sex and has sexual fantasies, and plans romantic interludes, falls into this disorder.  That, in my mind, is ridiculous.

*I do not understand the new concept of adding “disorder” to sexual masochism, sexual sadism, transvestism, fetishism, etc. Can someone please explain to me how this changes things?