Feb 192015
 

Ok. So hopefully, we’re all over the hype of 50 Shades of WTF. Yes, it is a fictional book written at a 9th grade reading level based on fan fiction of Twilight that does not represent an accurate, well consented kink relationship. It is not a book I personally would ever suggest to someone to “try out” their feelings on kink.

However, what is has done is engaged hundred of thousands, millions even, of folks who never knew they were kinky. Stay at home soccer parents, aging adults reading this book instead of knitting on trains, younger folks wanting *something* more from sex, but not sure what, have now found something that makes their bits tingle in a whole new way. It made it OK to have conversations around being turned on by bondage, power exchange, etc. Heck, even Target carried the 50 Shades of Grey line of kink-ish merch in their stores. It was acceptable, more than ever before, to be interested in kink, and to talk about it. Moreover, we’ve had more conversations about consent (in kinky AND vanilla aka non-kinky relationships alike) than I have ever engaged in through my life. This is good. And now what?

Here is a list of places (books, educators, videos, etc.) where you might want to direct your newly kinky or at least exploring friends, clients, selves, etc. I hope it helps people engage in this world of kink, BDSM, fetishes, etc., in a way that is fun, communicative and consensual. And perhaps well written.

-Shanna

Shanna Katz, Kink Educator

 

Erotica (other naughty books to enjoy):

Laura Antoniou’s Marketplace series (start with Book 1 – The Marketplace)

Becoming Sage and Saving Sunni by Kasi and Reggie Alexander

The Sleeping Beauty Series by Anne Rice

Best Bondage Erotica 2015 edited by Rachel Krammer Bussel

Bound for Trouble: BDSM Erotica for Women edited by Alison Tyler

Best Lesbian Bondage Erotica edited by Tristan Taormino

(side note: any erotica anthology edited by the above folks is bound to be delightful. BOUND. See what I did there?)

 

How to Books to Check Out:

SM 101 by Jay Wiseman

The Ultimate Guide to Kink by Tristan Taormino

As Kinky as You Wanna Be by Shanna Germain (disclaimer: I have a short essay on communication in this book)

Playing Well with Others by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams

Wild Side Sex: the Book of Kink by Midori

Your Pleasure Map by Shanna Katz (not all about kink but has a section on it…and also a section on health communication and consent – disclaimer: this is by me)

Shibari You Can Use by Lee Harrington

 

Websites with How-To-Videos:

KinkAcademy.com (disclaimer: I have videos on this site)

NewToKink.com (disclaimer: I have videos on this site)

 

Educators to Check Out (other than me, obviously!):

(not exhaustive…also, a lot of kink educators only do in person workshops and do not have websites, so check out FetLife.com, which is a social media site for kinky folks to find kink educational events near you)

Carol Queen

Charlie Glickman

Cleo DuBois

Ducky Doolittle

Eve Minax

Graydancer

Julian Wolf

Laura Antoninou

Lee Harrington

Lolita Wolf

Megan Andelloux

Midori

Mollena William

Nina Hartley

Pucker Up – Tristan Taormino

Reid About Sex

Sarah Sloane

Sinclair Sexsmith

Need New Kinky/Sexy Toys: Body Friendly Toy and Lube Companies

Places to Buy Kinky/Sexy Toys: Feminist/Sex Positive Toy Stores

Oct 142013
 

This is a post by one of my Summer 2013 interns, Kelsey. Find more posts from her and other current and former interns under the Intern Corner section.Shanna

Sexual Consent is voluntary, sober, wanted, informed and mutual verbal agreement to be sexually intimate.  We can’t talk about sex without talking about consent, because sexual consent is not only the law, but it is a sexy and healthy part of a relationship. Why?

Communication simply makes relationships better.

Expressing your needs and concerns is healthy. Asking for what you want and asking your partner(s) what they want is sexy. The more you open you are with your partner(s), and the more you know about each other, the more creative and exciting sex is. Plus, communicating and listening means you respect each other, which promotes trust and honesty.

Remember, consent is verbal, not implied. Here are some consent conversation starters:

  • Share your fantasies, and see how your partner responds. Are they interested? Do they have common fantasies? If so, start exploring them.
  • Ask your partner what they want. If you are excited about what they want, talk about your mutual wants. If you are nervous or unsure, communicate this too.
  • Talk about boundaries and respect them.
  • Ask your partner how they’re feeling. If they reply with something like “good” or “okay” ask them what this means to them.

There are lots of ways to get consent, and consent will look different the more you get to know your partner(s). The most important thing is to listen and remember consent is never implied. Consent is a verbal yes.

 

Nov 122010
 

As many of you know, I am very open to sexuality. It’s my entire world view to bring more sex positivty to every community I am in, and to help open people’s eyes to the huge spectrum of sexuality and learn to welcome and acknowledge differences. Your kink is not my kink, and all of that.

However, the one exception to all of the above is the lack of consent. All parties must, absolutely MUST be consenting to whatever activities go on. This means that while I support people who do consentual, negotiated rape play, or those who put dominance in their life style, I do not personally support sexual assault, rape, or sexual violence. Why? There is a lack of consent, and to me, that is the absolutely most important thing. Same goes for play with animals; if you want to dress up as your pony self and have your trainer feed your carrots, I am all for exploring that. However, the moment that an actual horse is involved? Consent is not long in the picture, as I believe that animals CAN NOT consent. My judgement is not on the person, but I absolutely cannot support or even condone any act, sexual or otherwise, that has a lack of consent.

This all said, I want to make a statement about an e-book that was recently put on Amazon, and as of today, has been taken down. It is entitled The Pedophile’s Guide to Love and Pleasure: a Child-lover’s Code of Conduct, and the supposed goal was to (according to the author):

“This is my attempt to make pedophile situations safer for those juveniles that find themselves involved in them, by establishing certain rules for these adults to follow,” the author wrote in the product description. “I hope to achieve this by appealing to the better nature of pedosexuals, with hope that their doing so will result in less hatred and perhaps liter [sic] sentences should they ever be caught,” Greaves said in the product description.

I support free speech as a citzen of the US. I know how important it is, and overall, oppose censorship. Heck, my name is on the Google instant blacklist. People in the field of sexuality find themselves censored all the time (and by Amazon no less).

However, in my heart, I cannot support a book that condones non-consensual behavior…and I believe that children are not in fact able to consent. At the age of 8 or 9, kids are not mentally developed enough make an educated decision about sexual activity, and certainly not if they are younger. Because consent is so important to me, I must say that I understand the outcry regarding this book, and while my head has issues with the censorship of any material (I’m sure though that he could self publish and distribute if he really wanted to, so he’s not completely being shut down), my heart is completely not ok with the fact that someone is publishing a guide on how to have non-consensual sex. It feels to me as if I would should someone publish a “Rape: Sexual assault — how to do it and love it” type of book. As a sex educator who constantly promotes sex positivity and consensual sexual behavior, I feel it is my duty to inform people that despite my concerns about free speech, I think this book is dangerous and could pose huge hard to children should it normalize/ok a non-consensual behavior.

Everyone has their own opinion, and you are welcome to share yours in the comments. However, rude comments,  and flammers (trolls too) will be deleted.

-Shanna