Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby

Feb 162013
 

This is a post by one of my Spring 2013 interns, Rebecca. Find more posts from her and other current and former interns under the Intern Corner section. – Shanna

Salt-n-Pepa style. As you take a quick trip back to your jean jacket and spandex wearing days and rock out to this fabulous 90s jam, I must acknowledge that this song (sadly) reinforces some stereotypes around sex and gender that limit both our daily and sex lives (for example, I know many men who enjoy making love). That said, I think Cheryl James and the crew are right about one thing – it is time to truly, and honestly talk about sex.

Americans love sex. We sell cars, laundry detergent, and shampoo with sex. Entire movies are based around sex. Clothing companies write irrelevant words on the butts of women’s sweatpants so we look their behinds. Americans love sex. Or really, American capitalism loves sex. Regardless, every day we are bombarded with images, inferences, advertisements, and conversations about sex, SEX, sex. But what exactly is everyone selling?

We all probably agree that the sex being sold in the advertisement industry is the mainstream definition of sex. Vanilla sex: heterosexual, male on top, female on bottom, penis penetrating a vagina, interaction ceasing when the male ejaculates. Don’t get me wrong: there is nothing wrong with this type of sex. It’s quite lovely. I’ve done it. I can count on one hand how many times my orgasm conveniently, simultaneously, and I might even say magically, paired up with my partner’s, but it has happened and was indeed lovely.

This type of sex is single faceted. I mean, just change one thing about that encounter and you might as well quit. Two men? Whoa!  That just messes up the whole line of events. Female on top? Well…maybe when mainstream culture is feeling a little kinky.

Fascinatingly, when thinking about someone else’s sex life, we commonly default to the sexual interaction described above. When asked to define our own, however, we give as many different answers as there are ice cream flavors in the freezer aisle of your locally-named-chain grocery store. Hmm. Curious.

Jessica Valenti points out in her absolutely stellar book, The Purity Myth…I’m sorry, stop reading this blog right now, go to your locally owned bookstore, buy this book, read it, let it change your life, return to this bookstore, buy as many copies as you have relatives, friends, and mere acquaintances, then quit your job and begin passing this book out on the street corner, because yes, it is that good…Ahem. As I was saying, Valenti notes that people struggle when asked to get down and dirty and define sex.  Some argue that penetration makes sex. Which is fine and dandy except for the little question of, what is penetrating what?  Is a finger penetrating an anus, a tongue penetrating a vagina, or a penis penetrating a hula hoop? Others argued that engaging in oral sex made sex, sex.  A friend of Valenti’s suggested that the presence of an orgasm determined whether the interaction was sex (a thought provoking definition indeed).

This disagreement on the definition is consistent with the research I conducted at a local college here in Colorado last year. Definitions of sex were not only incredibly varied but also vague.

Let’s recap. 1) We know that we have this mainstream definition of sex that is quite limited. 2) When people are asked to provide their own personal definition of sex, we get a wide variety of answers many of which fall under the mainstream definition and many of which do not. So, why is the definition of sex so important?

Because your sex life depends on it!                                

Whew. Let’s unpack this suitcase. If you wear rose colored glasses, the world looks pink, right?  If you wear goggles that you made out of your younger sister’s training bra…actually if you succeed at that, let me know, that is just impressive…Point is, if you define sex the way the mainstream world defines sex, you can bet your grandpa’s best chocolate fudge cupcake that you won’t be straying far off that road. And even if we do have our own personal definition, we are all being watered by the same rain. It is hard to completely shed the mainstream perspective.

I know what you’re thinking…but you said yourself, that when individuals are asked to define sex they have a wide variety of definitions, not just the one the mainstream pitches to us daily. Absolutely! Amen. But how many people take the time to actually to define sex for themselves?   And out of those, how many individuals first take the time to learn all the things that “sex” could possibility encompass, and then once armed with this universe of possibilities, go forward to then define sex for themselves? And out of those, how many let their partner(s) know their own personal definition of sex?

There are so many possibilities. Thank goodness I found the The Guide to Getting it On, by Paul Joannides to clue me in on the all the options because, holy smokes, they don’t teach you this stuff in sex ed. If you haven’t already heard of this book, it is definitely worth your time, because is a super easy and fun read.

Let’s take the time to explore sex with the hopes of working towards our own definition. This means taking some risks, exploring, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, asserting yourself, and communicating. I mean, let’s be real, isn’t that why we all found our way to this fabulous site?

 

 

 

Holy Racism Batman

Feb 082013
 

In the last week, there has been a ridiculous preponderance of racism within the “sex positive” community. Now, racism is ridiculous in and of itself. It has permeated every facet of our culture. However, this racism is beyond blatant, and yet, people within the supposedly allied gay leather community, and the porn community (including a “feminist” identified white cis male porn star) are saying that it is NOT racism, and wouldn’t it be so nice if those angry people of color (and white allies) who are calling it out would just shut the hell up about it, because it is making them uncomfortable that they support, and are amused by/turned on by, something that is racist.

Case #1: Yellow Face in the Burning Angel Parody of the Walking Dead XXX Parody.

First reported by Jezebel here: http://jezebel.com/5980498/walking-dead-porn-parody-relies-on-yellowface. Basically, director Joanna Angel (who has identified as a feminist, and actually done some great things to change the face of porn, and women’s roles in it) decides to put yellow face on actor Danny Wylde, including yellow make up and taped up eyes (yes, people actually do this). I’d assume that everyone would be like “whaaaaa? That’s fucking racist!” Until later, when I saw this: http://business.avn.com/articles/video/BurningAngel-Racist-What-Jew-Talkin-Bout-Jezebel-506028.html#.UQsvDjK_Tpg.twitter. Summation? Apparently, Joanna Angel cannot possibly racist because she’s Jewish. Um. I’m Jewish, and putting someone in yellow face is racist. Period. If for some reason, you couldn’t find a porn start who was ACTUALLY Asian, why not just throw a hat on the actor and call it a day. Since when is porn concerned about being 100% accurate to the script? Alas, it gets worse. Danny Wylde, the actor in question, writes this post: http://trvewestcoastfiction.blogspot.com/2013/01/where-i-try-to-explain-why-i-look-like.html?m=1 about why he looks like an asshole (which he does), and say he’s a feminist (which he’s not – racism is NOT a feminist trait), and then goes on to cisplain/mansplain/whitesplain about how it’s ok, because he plays a rapist on kink.com, but isn’t really, so it’s ok. He never even offers a full apology. A small faction of the porn and a larger faction of the sex positive community went (rightly) up in arms about this incredibly racist act, and they’ve been told that it’s porn, calm the fuck down, and it’s not really racism, because I mean, it’s not like black face or anything. ALERT: It IS racism. Period. And if you support racist acts, you are perpetuating racism. The end.

Case #2: The Portland Eagle leather bar books incredibly racist, classist and sexist drag queen, and then when the community calls them out, they support their decision, and invite folks to attend said performance for dialogue. 

Read all about it (including a video link to said fucked up performance) here on Mollena’s blog: http://www.mollena.com/2013/02/blackface-still-racist-yall/. Based on the previous case of yellow face where people flat out said that it wasn’t racist because it wasn’t black face, then clearly, this is flat out racism, right? Because it’s black face. And making fun of “welfare queens” and women, and mothers, and anyone of color, and the list goes on. CLEARLY, this one is racism and shouldn’t everyone in the marginalized gay community stand up to say this is unacceptable? HA. No. People speaking out against this are now classified as “oh, they’re just Angry Black Women” (um, which they have every right to be given this situation) as compared to community members who are calling out blatant racism. I’m Angry Woman about this issues, and I am not Black. I am white. And guess what, I still calling out fucking racism when I see it. And anyone who tries to defend this act as funny? Guess what. People also think sexist, ableist, homophobic, ageist, classist, etc jokes are funny, but it doesn’t make them any less fucked up. It doesn’t make them any less sexist, ableist, homophobic, ageist, classist, etc. If you like racist jokes, fine – that is your right. But don’t pretend for one second that it ISN’T actually racist. And when your own community members (did I mention that Mollena was International Ms. Leather in 2010?) are telling you that this is messed up and unacceptable, telling them to be quiet, or withdrawing friendships, is not ok. Moreover, if you identify as inclusive, or feminist, or an ally of any sort, say that you’re not going to get involved, or you don’t “comment on these type of things” is ridiculously cowardly. Would you be silent if another type of club booked a comedian that talked about how messed up queer folk and kinky folk were? Would you be silent if someone was beat up for their identity? I would hope not. Remaining silent in this situation is no less cowardly. As Audre Lorde once said, Your silence will not protect you.

I have so much more to say, but it is this is devolving into just a rant, and that is not helpful from me. The people who agree with it know how fucked up these two situations are. I call for other allies, particularly those with white privilege (like myself), to bring more attention to these issues, and to call our community out. It is our responsibility to call out racism and support our brothers and sisters of color. They should not have to be the ones putting themselves on the line about racism, but they almost always are. It is our turn to support them and make sure our communities know that this is absolutely not ok.

World AIDS Day

Dec 012012
 

Today is World AIDS Day. All day today, December 1st.

World AIDS Day logo

What is it? According to WorldAidsDay.org, “World AIDS Day is held on 1 December each year and is an opportunity for people worldwide to unite in the fight against HIV, show their support for people living with HIV and to commemorate people who have died. World AIDS Day was the first ever global health day and the first one was held in 1988.”

However, it is so much more than that. Having HIV or AIDS used to be, and still can be, incredibly stigmatized. People are judged for having this illness, regardless of how they got it, their identities, their communities, etc. Originally, it was named a gay man’s disease. Although one of the largest growing group of those newly diagnosed with HIV is straight women of color, it is sometimes still thought of as a disease in the gay man’s community.

Honestly, however people view HIV and AIDS, it doesn’t matter as much as support those who are living with HIV and AIDS (and their loved ones), remembering those who are no longer with us because of these illnesses, and working to prevent the further spread of HIV and AIDS…and that is where it is crucial for people to understand that this isn’t a homosexual disease, that it wasn’t sent by G-d to kill the gays, and that until we can feel empathy or at least sympathy for those living with HIV and AIDS, we continue to stigmatize and hurt those already hurting.

Take a moment today to think about what you have personally done to fight HIV and AIDS, or to support those and their families who have it. Whether it is raising awareness, volunteering with a hospice, donating to a local organization, handing out condoms and dams at Pride, you name it, there are ways to help. Please decide one way that you’re going to help fight HIV and AIDS over the next year…and here’s the important part; DO IT. It’s here, and it’s not going to go away if we close our eyes. So let’s do something to make a change.

Transgender Day of Remembrance

Nov 202012
 

transgender day of remembrance

Each year, dozens, and even hundreds of transgender, transsexual and trans* folks are murder world wide because of their gender identity and gender presentation. Today, we remember those we have lost.

More over, those of us with cisgender privilege (our gender matches the sex we were assigned at birth) must work, each and everyday, to make this a safer place for our trans* brothers, sisters and siblings to live. It is unacceptable that they are literally having to fight for their lives on a regular basis, just because of who they are. We must speak up. We must call people out on their transphobic and cisgentric language. We must advocate for laws protecting gender identity for jobs, housing, insurance and more. We must quash violence, and let people know that trans* violence, whether physical, verbal, or emotional, is completely unacceptable and will be punished. We cannot let this continue; this list grows every year, and that needs to stop. Now.

-Shanna

Support Tobi Hill-Meyer’s New Film Project

Jul 102012
 

Tobi Hill-Meyer, the director/producer of the award winning film Doing It Ourselves (featuring trans women and their sexuality), has a rocking Kickstarter project for a new two-volume film set that is an erotic documentary featuring trans women and their partners called Doing It Again – In Depth.

It is crucial that this film gets the support needed to get off the ground. Trans women, for a number of reasons, are disproportionately under-represented in queer communities, whether queer events, queer conversations, and especially in queer porn. There are a number of discussions about this, and while they are all valid, Tobi, as a trans woman, is moving forward with this project to represent the sexuality and relationships of trans women. This visibility is so important to acknowledge these women as members of various communities, as well as to allow their stories to be shared.

I strongly believe in grassroots community organizing. I know that many of you only have a few bucks to donate; I myself am usually in that boat. However, 10 people donating $5 is $50, and 100 people donating $5 is $500, and it only goes up from there. So please, if you have the ability to support increased visibility for trans women, their sexuality, and their relationship, please donate what you can and help this exciting project get going!

-Shanna

Book Review: Fifty Shades of Grey

Jul 052012
 

I’m not going to lie. I was a hold out. I really, truly, based on the feedback of others, didn’t want to read this book. I didn’t. However, after I started to get requests for press snippets based on the book, I figured that I was being pretty ridiculous to not read it. THIS book is the hot subject in sexuality right now; it’s the Rabbit Vibrator of Sex and the City of 2012. I needed to read it.

So I bought Fifty Shades of Grey and brought it with me on our trip to Florida to read over. I had heard that it poorly represented the kink community, that the writing was terrible, that is was boring, etc. I tried to go in with an open mind, but I’ll admit, I had some bias.

My thoughts:

The writing, especially the first few chapters, felt like an 11th grade essay. It was as if someone had told the author that she needed to be more descriptive, so she would use about four or five adjectives every time she tried to describe something. One might call it flowery language. To me, this was kind of annoying. However, as some folks have pointed out, not everyone has the same reading level, and this use of language might make it more accessible to more people. This is a great point, and while I still may grumble about her descriptions of Kate on the first few pages, I get that this allows more people to read. More people reading is awesome, PERIOD, even if I personally don’t mesh with the writing style.

The characters are interesting in that in some ways, they are over developed, in other ways, they aren’t at all. I think it’s nice having a heroine who isn’t blonde and stereotypically thin yet buxom…on the other hand, I think it’s a little sad that she has to get her self confidence (the little she gains) from someone who is not her. I have trouble supporting the idea that we have to rely on partners to love ourselves. Also, I cannot imagine (also noted by Jack Stratton) that someone is ridiculously “old-fashioned” and formal as Mr. Grey would call Ana “baby.” I mean, really? That was not well thought through.

I have some issues with the idea that he wouldn’t even consider playing with her (or anyone else, for that matter) a few times before bringing up the idea of a full time (or full weekend?) slave contract. I feel like if someone did that in our local community (“If you’re interested in me, you must sign a 24/7 contract before we can see if you like this and if we are compatible together”), we would call out that person for predatory behavior (actually, this has happened in our community, and said person was banned from multiple dungeons for poaching on newbies to the scene, and contracting them to his “house” without allowing them to get their footing first).

So yes, I have issues overall. However, I do appreciate that they covered STI testing and safewords (though I would have rather them talked about dams too, and condoms for oral, rather than just penile-vaginal), which are frequently left out of romance style novels and much erotica. I like that they talked about consent. I don’t like that she was banned from discussing things (I think that is a huge part of being kinky is trying new things, discussing your feelings/reactions with others, and tweaking what your like/don’t like), but I get that is was part of his millionaire schtick.

Is it the BEST intro book into kink? Perhaps not. I personally would recommend Becoming sage by Kasi Alexander
(here is a link to my review of Becoming Sage) as a book I feel better fits the reality of the community (and also has a writing style I like better). However, I think this is a good Gateway Book into kink. If people read this, and it gets them hot, and that then inspires them to join FetLife, read kinky erotica, check out local kink events, and to have their desires fulfilled, then it is absolutely successful, whether or not I think it is perfect. So if you or your “friend” (or actual friend) is considering this, remember to take it with a grain of salt (it IS a romance novel), but know that for many folks, this is the book that revolutionized the way they look at sex. And that, my friends, is an excellent thing!
Click here to buy your own copy of Fifty Shades of Grey .

 

 

Made the Top 100 Blogs about Sex, Relationships, etc

May 012012
 

Proud to say that according to GetSTDtested.com and their list of the top 100 Sex, Love and Dating blogs, I’ve been selected as number 29. I’m in good company with Abiola, Scarleteen, Cosmo and more.  What they had to say:

Great sex and relationship blogs are a dime a dozen on the internet, but blogs with written by a qualified sex professional with the same level of sass and realness are rare. Check out Shanna Katz’s website for a high-caliber sex blog written by a woman who knows her stuff. Armed with a master’s degree in human sexuality, Ms. Katz is a Board Certified Sexologist who provides savvy sex education workshops, sex coaching and relationship counseling to the masses by day. But by night, she spreads her sex knowledge in her personal blog that includes Q-and-A sections, insightful pro-sex articles, book reviews and more.
According to a conversation on Twitter, they said they liked how I geared my answers towards all sorts of people, being inclusive of gender, sexes, identities, orientations and more.
To me, this is success. Not being chosen for the list per se, but having people tell me that they notice how accessible the sex education I provide is, and how many people can get use of it.
Win for Shanna Katz.

 

 

Have YOU gotten yourself tested?

Apr 102012
 

Repost from last year, but still, and always important:

Did you know that April is a lot of different months relating to sexuality? One of them happens to be National Get Yourself Tested Month, and I think everyone should be celebrating!

How? It’s easy! Head on over to www.GYTnow.org for information, coupons, ways of find places near by you and more. Whether you’re single, in multiple relationships, sleeping with lots of folks, or in a monogamous relationship, you should know your status regarding STIs. Being “Clean” has nothing to do with whether or not you have a sexually transmitted infection; 75-80% of sexually active Americans have or have had an STI at some point. That’s the majority — it’s OK to have an STI, but you need to know so a) you can get treated either to cure it or help the symptoms (depending whether it is bacterial or viral) and b) so you can make decisions along with your partner(s) about what type of safer sex you’d like to be having. It’s really tough to make those decisions and have those conversations if you don’t even know where you stand.

So whether you choose to head over to Planned Parenthood, your local STI clinic, your primary care physician, your gynecologist, your country health center, your campus clinic, etc, I commend you for taking the first step to power- knowledge. If you need cheap, free or sliding scale testing, it is out there. Take the plunge and get a full panel; find out where you stand so you can then take control of your sexual health and wellness to make decisions that are good for you, as well as for past, present and future partners.

Step up, and make a change!

Shanna

Hey! It’s sexual assault awareness month!

Apr 012012
 

Every year, I right about this. Most of my thoughts from it are summed up in my piece about National Sexual Assault Awareness Month from last year. However, some things to always keep in mind.

*Sexual assault does not always involve penetration

*Sexual assault is not limited to females or women identified people

*Sexual assault is not limited to straight people

*Sexual assault does not discriminate by age, ability, race, sex, gender, socio-economic status, size, education, etc.

*Someone YOU know has been sexually assaulted. It’s never funny to joke about it, to tell someone they are lying or deserved it, or anything like that. It is immature, small and rude. And it kind of makes you an asshat.

If you or someone you know has been assaulted, there are many resources. College campuses tend to have hotlines and/or sexual assault response coordinators. You can contact RAINN (the Rape, Assault and Incest National Network). If you need LGBTQ resources, here are some to get you started. Many states have anti violence programs (in Colorado, it is CAVP). Many doctors and social workers have awesome resources as well. If you cannot find any near you/the person you’re helping, please contact me and I will help you.

Together, we can work together to both support survivors, and to change our culture to make it a safer place for EVERYONE.

Looking for an LGBTQ/Kink/Poly Friendly Provider?

Nov 022011
 

Working with both communities like the LGBTQ community, the kink community, the poly community, and more, as well as working with medical professionals (who usually want to be open and inclusive to the aforementioned communities), I’m realizing more and more how difficult it can be to find a medical provider (doctor, therapist, specialist, counselor, OB-GYN, etc) that you KNOW is going to be receptive to your identities.

Luckily, here are a few tips to help you out!

First of all, if you are part of the LGBTQ community, the first place I’d suggest looking is the Gay and Lesbian Medical Association’s website. They have a fancy schmancy special section called “Find a Provider.” You can search based on where you are, as well as the type of professional you’re looking for. Of course, there are no guarantees, as medical professionals self report to be part of the directory, by becoming members. That being said, if a doctor or therapist pays money to become part of such an association, in order to have their name listed on their directory, there is a much higher likelihood that they are in fact open and accepting of the community, if not truly knowledgeable about the LGBTQ spectrum. Now, not all doctors even know about this. I KNOW my doctor is an LGBTQ/Ally rockstar based on having seen her for years, and she isn’t listed. However, it’s a place to start.

Another place to look is the website of your local LGBT Center, Gender identity center or GLBTQ Chamber of Commerce — they often have local businesses and resources listed. My awesome aforementioned doctor, while not on the GLMA site, IS on the Gender Identity Center of Colorado’s list of suggested doctors.

If you are kinky and/or polyamorous, head on over to the National Coalition for Sex Freedom‘s list of Kink Aware Professionals. These are folks (again, doctors, therapists, counselors) who actively identify as being inclusive of and friendly towards kinky people, poly people and sexually adventurous people.

The best way though? Ask around your community. Some LGBTQ, poly and/or kink communities have resource lists for their local area on medical professionals that other members of the community have stated to be inclusive. Check out groups on FetLife or Facebook, and ask for references. Looks at who is advertising in local LGBTQ publications, kink conferences (or on FetLife), etc. Again, if people are willing to put themselves out there in the community, there is a pretty good chance that they are open to seeing patients from that community.

I have great recommendations for dentists, GPs, physical therapists, knee surgeons, massage therapists and therapists/counselors in Denver, if anyone happens to need one. Still looking for a rocking, queer friendly neurologist…if anyone happens to know of one!

-Shanna

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