Aug 202012
 

Want to know how much lube to use? How to tell if someone is gay? How to bring up conversation about having a threesome? Which strap on is right for you? How to have anal sex without pain? What is the best way to pick someone up for casual sex? How to spice up your sex life after decades of love?

I have been writing a sexuality & relationship Q and A column for Out Front Colorado (as well as other posts on sexuality in the community – click here to read all of my writing) and am always looking for anonymous questions, from folks all across the country, to answer as part of this column that is published every other week.

Have a question you’d like answered? Shoot me an email at ShannaKatz at gmail.com and I’ll make sure to answer it AND email you the link when I do. I will not name you or your actual location, and no question is too mild or wild. You can also comment with questions you’d like answered, tweet them to me @shanna_katz, or send them via carrier snail.

Looking forward to helping assuage your curiosity!

-Shanna

May 042012
 

This month, my sexuality and relationship advice column made its debut in the wonderful local (to Colorado) LGBTQ paper Out Front Colorado. If you head on over to the digital edition, and click through to page 42 (I know, perfect, right? My advice must be the meaning of life), you can see what I had to say to a person whose girlfriend masturbates A LOT and to someone looking to start exploring his anal pleasure zones in the safest way possible.

Have a question you’d like to me (anonymously) answer? Leave a comment here, message me on Facebook, DM me on Twitter, or email me at ShannaKatz at Gmail dot com. Questions can be about anything sexual, relationship, dating, anatomy, sex toys; you name it!

-Shanna

Dec 022011
 

Question: I have been celebrate for almost three years, and am terrified to “get back out there.” Any tips on how to reverse or overcome my apparent phobia?

Answer: This can be a scary question to even ask, the I applaud you on putting yourself out there by showcasing self awareness of your nervousness.

It’s tough for EVERYONE to be out there, whether they have never dated, never had sexual partners, etc, whether they have taken some time off from being sexual, or whether they have a different partner every week. We all innately have a huge fear of rejection, whether from family, friends, potential partners, current partners, employers, etc. Being “out there,” what ever that looks like, can be really hard for any one.

Tip number 1: Be yourself. It’s very easy to try and mimic people in magazines, TV shows, fashion shows, head of cliques, etc. Sometimes it feels as though playing a role is easier than being ourselves, because if we do wind up feeling rejected, we can comfort ourselves with the idea that it was out facade that was rejected, not actually ourselves. However, being yourself is a) easier, because you’re not trying to be someone else and b) better, because if you do wind up finding someone you like, and they are interested back, you will KNOW that it is truly you they like, and not wonder if it is the role you’re playing.

Tip number 2: Don’t make too many goals. When we are so set on finding someone to kiss/fuck/date/marry/bring home to mom, we often psych ourselves out. Most couples will tell you that they found their ideal partner just when they had given up looking, or had taken a step back from aggressively searching. Why? Because it’s easier to just be you when you aren’t searching actively for someone, and because people will see a more relaxed you, rather than the trying to impress people you, which is usually what people prefer.

Tip number 3: Meet people in areas of YOUR interest. For some reason, it’s thought that meeting people in bars is a great idea. And it is possible that for some specific people, it is. If you frequently hang out in bars, that might be a good place to try. However, if like most people, you hang out more often in places that don’t have tall stools and booze, you should try to meet people in areas in which you feel comfortable. Like chess? Chat up that cutie at chess club. More of a runner? Ask that smarty pants to be your jogging buddy! Spend a lot of time volunteering at an animal shelter? See if your fellow volunteer would like to talk up the cute kitties and puppies after your shift. This way, you know you already have a shared interest that goes beyond getting wasted.

Tip number 4: Be gentle to yourself. Getting “back out there” can feel incredibly intense, and if you are super nervous about it, you may either go under board or overboard, over share or under share…and guess what? It’s all ok. Just take your time, relax, and congratulate yourself for even giving it a good try and getting back out there. No hurry on finding the one, whether it’s for one evening or for longer. Take a breath, take care of yourself.

Best of luck,

-Shanna

Have a question you want answered (anonymously)? Contact me and I’ll post the answer!

Nov 282011
 

Question: What are some fun ways to spice up a boring relationship?

Answer:

There is no one size fits all answer to this question, because “boring” definitely depends on who you ask. For some, it could mean that sexual activity is frequent, but always the same. For others, it might mean sexual activity isn’t a frequent as it used to be. For yet others, it might not have anything to do with the sex — perhaps everything seems to be “meh” — no exciting date nights, or doing the same thing every evening.

First thing to do; figure out what it is that you think is boring. Then, in a super NICE and CARING way, bring it up to your partner.

Good Example: “I love spending time with you having adventures, and feel like we haven’t gotten to have many lately — is there anything you’ve been ding to do or places to explore? Let’s create an adventure this weekend!”

Not as good example: “We never do anything fun any more!”

Good example: “It’s awesome that we get to have sexy times so often…I was thinking maybe we could watch this DVD/read this book/try out _____ to add some new exciting variations, since I love having sex with/fucking you!”

Not as good example: “We have sex a lot, but it’s boring/same old thing night after night.”

You hopefully like/love your partner, so it’s good to do your best to not hurt their feelings, and to let them know what you DO like about being them, and what you would like to have more of, because you enjoy it. You have to do some work too — get some ideas going for what you want to do. Check out your local paper/websites to get ideas for free and/or cheap things to do in your neighborhood. If you’re trying to have more adventures in your sex life, try out some books or adult DVDs to get suggestions. If you’re wanting to be sexual more often, it is probably worth re-defining your idea of sex; it doesn’t always have to be oral, or intercourse, or _____. Thinking about adding in some hot make out sessions, some fun role play, or even erotic massages. There are lots of ways to be sexually active with each other; they don’t always have to involve penetration, or even genitals or orgasms. Having fun together sexually can be just as awesome as having traditional sex.

Hope this helps,

-Shanna

Have a question you want answered (anonymously)? Contact me and I’ll post the answer!

Nov 162011
 

Question: When do you deem it too young to have sex?

Answer: This is a hard question, no matter who you ask.

First of all, legally, it depends completely on where you live. Some states, if you have sex before you are 18, even if your partner is also under 18, it is still illegal depending on the age difference. If you are young (ie, under 18), make sure you know your state’s laws before you make ANY choices, so you know what could possibly happen if you or your partner’s parents are not ok with what is going on. Keep in mind that purchasing sex toys that are billed as sex toys (versus back massagers from the Sharper Image) is also reserved for those 18 and older.

If you’re talking about physically too young, anything prior to puberty is WAY too young. Period. Bodies are not designed to be sexually active with each other before puberty.  That being said, physically ready is far less important than being emotionally and mentally ready. As far as emotionally and mentally maturity, it varies A LOT from person to person. I have met sexually active 15 year olds that can talk to me about having gotten STI tests, being on birth control and using a barrier method, discussing the “What Ifs: with their partner, etc. To me, they understand more of the pros and cons of having sex than some 30 year olds I’ve met who do not think at all about the consequences of being sexually active. I’ve met more the my fair share of adults who are not emotionally or mentally mature enough to be having sex (in my opinion).

Basically, what I am trying to say is there is no cut and dry way to know if you are ready for sex or not, but if YOU are pondering if you are too young for it, that sounds to me like maybe you are. No one ever got hurt from waiting a little bit longer to be sexually active, regardless if they were 14, 18, 36 or 82. Take a little bit longer to figure out if what you are planning on is the right fit for both you and your partner, and then you can look at your decision again in a little bit.

Sorry I don’t have some magical answer, but like most things sexually associated, there just is not one perfect answer to questions.

Hope this helps,

-Shanna

Have a question you want answered (anonymously)? Contact me and I’ll post the answer!

Nov 132011
 

Question: Does semen whiten your teeth?

Answer: As much as you may want to hear that swallowing in the course of a blow job will act like Crest Whitening Strips, I hate to break it to you; this is one of the many myths associated with sex, and semen specifically. And while we’re at it; nor does semen provide your daily nutritional needs in the protein department.

Feel free to choose whether to swallow or not; that is always and will always be up to you. Just remember the following:

a) Semen can contain STIs, so get you and your partner tested on a full STI panel before you make this decsion.

b) Swallowing does not make oral sex better or worse than letting them ejaculate elsewhere (chest, face, back, towel, shower, bed, themselves, etc). Do it if you like it, but know it doesn’t change the sensation.

c) Semen is not a good source of any vitamins, minerals, or nutrition. It will not make your hair shinier, whiten your teeth, make your skin smoother, etc. Those are all false statements, but ones that are bandied about quite often.

Hope this helps,

-Shanna

Have a question you want answered (anonymously)? Contact me and I’ll post the answer!

Oct 292011
 

Question: We’re a college age lesbian couple. We don’t have a ton of cash, so we can only buy one or two toys right now. What is the best sex toy for lesbians?

Answer: That looks like a question with an easy answer, but unfortunately, it is not. There is no one perfect sex toy…for anyone. That is regardless of gender, orientation, relationship status, etc. Here are some possible scenarios — maybe one will fit the two of you and you can find the perfect toy that way!

*Both of you really enjoy oral sex. Sounds like a great toy to invest in might be a tongue vibrator (if you like vibration), a good bottle of glycerin-free flavored lube (if you like flavored cunnilingus), or maybe nipple clamps if you want nipple simulation while your partner’s hands and mouth are busy elsewhere!

*You two want to try out some penetration action. I’d suggest buying a harness compatible dildo (so if you like it, you can always add a harness when your budget allows). Now you need to decide if you like realistic dildos like the Vixen Bandit, or something more whimsical like the Tantus Echo. Neither floats your boat? How about the Bandito from Fun Factory!

*Anal really gets your engines going! Start with anal beads like Flexi Felix, or a beautiful glass butt plug from Crystal Delights. Just don’t forget to add lube!

*Just getting started exploring each other? Sometimes just a simple vibrator like the USB rechargeable Mia or the Layaspot clitoral vibe can be a great way to try to find each other’s erogenous zones and what turns you on.

*Nothing appealing? Maybe the best sex toy for you is an erotic books, like Best Lesbian Erotica — your brain will always be your best sex toy!

Hope this helps,

-Shanna

Have a question you want answered (anonymously)? Contact me and I’ll post the answer!

Jun 132011
 

Shanna-

You’re always telling people about lubricant and its importance in sex. I think I know the different between silicone lube and water based lube, but what if I want a tasty lube for oral sex (both blow jobs and eating out), that is also safe for vaginal intercourse? I know some flavored lubes contain sugar. What do I do?

Tentative and Taste Challenged

Hey T n’ T!

Great question. A good deal of cheap flavored lubes contain sugar — it’s my advice to stay far far away from those. Now, there are a lot of pretty decent flavored lubes that are sugar free, but contain glycerin. I always suggest people try to avoid glycerin, as it is derived from glucose, which is a type of sugar — many people have sensitivities to it, and it can cause irritation or yeast infections in some people who use it. However, if you have no issues with glycerin, System Jo makes a whole bunch of flavors (think Watermelon, Strawberry, Raspberry Sorbet, Lemon and Chocolate) ; I like to mix and match them to make new tastes. If you’re looking for a tasty glycerin free lube, Sliquid makes a variety of yummy flavors (like Blue Raspberry, Green Apple, Pink Lemonade, and Cherry Vanilla) and Wet Naturals has a glycerin free, natural Strawberry lube that is actually pretty good.

Otherwise, you can always use one lube for blow jobs, and wipe it off or hop in the shower and switch to another.

Best of luck!

-Shanna

May 112011
 

Note: Permission is ALWAYS obtained before posting people’s questions on this site. Have a question you’d like to ask anonymously? You can use my contact form, or email ShannaKatz at Gmail.com!

Dear Shanna-

I have PCOS so I have a weird VERY infrequent period situation. In 2010 I had a total of five periods, and two were induced with Provera.  I haven’t had a period yet in all of 2011, and I went to the gyno for my yearly last month. My pap was normal but they told me I had a yeast infection. Took care of that with no problem – didn’t even know I had it!


My husband and I were going at it the other night and after a [vaginal]  fisting session – he noticed a brown-ish fluid. We cleaned up and I woke up the next morning with my period – on FULL FORCE! This has happened before (last December) where no period, then BAM! It is hard to look up with google because everything says that you are or may be prego and so on.
We are just wondering if it normal for rough sex/fisting and or fingering to bring on periods? I mean- is it safe to do this more often so I do get periods since my body doesn’t do it on its own? Its really confusing to me! At our last visit last month my gyno wants me to take Provera about every 3 months to make sure I am shedding my liner. Grrrrr.

-Pissed at PCOS

Dear P@P-

Firstly, mazel tov on remembering to go in for your yearly gyno visit! What seems to be happening is that intense uterine spasming is encouraging the start of the shedding of your uterine lining, starting your period. For some people, fisting, rough sex, g-spot specific fingering, and other sexual activities can cause a different type of orgasm, that can be more intense as far as the involvement of your uterus (versus, for example, a more clitoral centric orgasm, which feels just as good, but uses other body parts).

I’ve known many other folks who have PCOS, and sometimes, certain types of sex can trigger the onset of a period (as can other things, like eating less dairy/fatty foods, etc). Sounds like fisting might be one of those triggers for you. In my completely NOT medical opinion, I’d say it’s safe to play with rougher sex and/or fisting as much as you’d like — just know that it might not always trigger your period. It might all the time, some times, or this may be a one off. But as long as you’re enjoying it, is sounds like it’s a fun experience with a bonus for you! If you start feeling pain regarding any of this sexual play, or have excessive bleeding beyond your period, it’s time to go see the doctor, but in the mean time, have fun!

Hope this helps!

-Shanna

Apr 282011
 

Question:

What are some good pointers for beginning pegging?

Answer:

Fabulous question. For those not in the know, the verb pegging describes the act of a female bodied (or identified) person strapping it on (with harness and cock/dildo of some sort) and penetrating their male bodied (or identified partner) in the ass. Of course, blow jobs on said strap on, and hand jobs, can be involved as well. I’d say it has definitely been a hot topic over the past year or so, making this a very timely question.

Step one; have the “pegger” pick out a harness in which they feel sexy and comfortable. Some people prefer the two strap joque style, some the one strap g-string style, some the boyshort style, and a few people (who tend to have kegel muscles of steel) like the strapless strap on, like the Feeldoe or Nexus. If the peggee is an anal beginner, and the pegger likes the strapless strap on, I’d suggest starting with the Share Extra Small, so it feels good and size isn’t an issue.

Step two; have the “peggee” chose the dildo they would like to have penetrating their ass. Don’t forget that often, our eyes are much bigger than our parts, and while it might seem like a “manly” or “macho” thing to choose a large dildo like the Lonestar or Outlaw, you should start small and work your way up. If the peggee is really beginning, the Tantus Silk Small is a great toy to start with. If you’re looking for something more mid-range, the Vixen Vibrating Mistress Dildo is pretty awesome. You can use condoms on the dildos for easy clean up (and/or sharing), but if that doesn’t interest you, make sure to invest in a good quality, 100% medical grade silicone dildo (good brands include Tantus, Fun Factory, Vixen Creations, Happy Valley, Whipspider Rubberworks, etc), because you can dishwash it or boil it to sterilize it, and you’ll know it is a good, body friendly material.

Step three; LUBE. Please don’t take this lightly. The anus has not way of providing natural lubrication, so you HAVE to add it, and 99% of the time, spit doesn’t cut it. Guess what? Even porn stars usually use lube — you just don’t get to see the pleasure of them applying it. Add the damn lube. If you’re using a soft toy, your best bet is water based lubricant (because silicone lube can ruin your nice silicone toys). My favorite water based lube for anal play is Maximus, but other great lubes are Sliquid Organics and Pink Water. Lube is love folks — I have a sticker that proves it. NEVER use numbing or desensitizing lube for anal play (or anything), as it can lead to serious damage of the anal tissue. If it hurts, STOP.

Step four; communicate. Both the pegger and peggee need to talk about their needs and wants from this experience. Is it to have gender play? Sissification? Power play? Just wanting to try something new? Is this going to be part of foreplay, the main event, or for dessert? Is there a position one of you wants to try? What is important to each of you, and how can you make it happen? If you don’t communicate first (if talking makes you nervous, try email or texting), it’s going to be way less fulfilling and fun, and might even suck. Also, remember, to go slow, to give feedback, and to remember to laugh — when dealing with strap ons, the likelihood that the cock will pop out and the pegger will keep going is high. Hopefully, you can have fun with the person who you’re fucking with, since it’ll make it a better experience over all.

Good luck, and June 9th, I’m teaching Harness Your Pleasure: Strap On 101, which will included conversation about pegging, at the Fascinations in Aurora, CO (and am happy to book this class elsewhere as well).

-Shanna

Have a question you want answered (anonymously)? Contact me and I’ll post the answer!