Last week, I put on a class at Fascinations entitled What’s in Your Toybox – helping learn about toys, how to use them, multiple uses, care, cleaning, etc. Here are some of the pictures!
Last week, I put on a class at Fascinations entitled What’s in Your Toybox – helping learn about toys, how to use them, multiple uses, care, cleaning, etc. Here are some of the pictures!
I just heard from Audacia Ray about a project she’s doing with two other researchers about finding out what type of information is available when you search the internet in public libraries. I think this is a really important bit of research, as many people’s only internet access comes from public libraries. Everyone should be able to find information on health issues, gender identity, and more. I ask that if you have a free second, you go to your library and participate in this project. All you have to do is show up and go to www.infoandthelibrary.org.
Here’s what Audacia had to say:
We’re in need of people all over the United States who are willing to go to their local public library, do a few quick searches on some keywords and URLs we’ve identified as potentially blocked, and report whether or not they were able to access the information. The searches and completion of the survey take less than five minutes.
As you might know, in the US we are constitutionally granted freedom of information, but private corporations have no obligation to uphold this. So, companies that design web filtering software each come up with their own definition of what they consider “harmful content.” When public libraries use this software, they limit access to sexuality and health information – searches on words like “anal,” “transsexual,” and “abortion” may be blocked. More details and the survey to fill out is here: http://www.infoandthelibrary.org/
I’m heading out to one of my favorite cities this week; beautiful San Francisco. While out there, I’ll be presenting not one, not two, not even three, but four classes/workshops AND I’ll be reading erotica with the lovely Rita Seagrave and dashing Patrick Califia.
What’s the 411 on what’s going on? Well, you can always check my schedule, but I’ll break it down for you here as well.
February 25th - I’ll be at the Center for Sex and Culture talking about Relationship Mapping and Poly 101. Click here to get more info.
February 26th – I’ll be presening my famous Vaginal Fisting for One and All at the CSC. Click here to get more info.
February 27th – Today is a busy day, as I’m part of Sizzle at Femina Potens. At 2pm, I’m talking about BDSM 101 (click here for info/tickets). At 4pm, I’m presenting Sexability, about sex and dis/ability (click here for info/tickets). Then at 8pm, I’m reading erotica (click here to get info/tickets).
There you go folks; 5 opportunities to come learn, chat, grown and talk about sex with me. I’ll be available after each class/workshop to talk more one and one, and I certainly hope to see many of you (of those in the Bay Area) at one or more of these events!
I don’t know what is is about this week, but lots of people have been talking about some of the ‘nilla hate that goes on in the kink community. First, there was Lee Harrington to who mentioned on twitter that vanilla is a valid and delicious flavor (both in food and sex). Then Mollena got up on her rockin’ soap box, and wrote this excellent post on anti-vanilla bigotry.
This has always been something that bothers me, and it is not specific only to the kink community. Marginalized groups and minorities have started to become bigots towards the “traditional” and the majority.
Example A: Lesbians/dykes who tell straight identified women that they “just haven’t come out yet” or who joke about converting them to be dykes. Yes, lots of people haven’t come out yet, but not all straight women are lesbians. No matter how much we want it to be. And it is offensive to tell a person that their orientation isn’t valid; and that goes for straight, gay, bisexual, queer, asexual, etc.
Example B: People who are poly/non-monogamous telling other people that ALL of monogamy is a social contruct, and that everyone is really inately non-monogamous and that monogamous people are doing it wrong. Just because one group has to struggle in being outside the norms of society (being non-monogamous), and it works perfectly for them does not mean that it is not ok to be the norm. Acceptance for ALL methods of relationships please.
Example C: Partially from Mollena, partially from my experience; kinky people/those in the BDSM community who use vanilla like a perjorative term. “God, we were being all pervy and then this vanila person made us stop doing our thing” or “They SAY they’re vanilla, but they just don’t know what they’re missing.” Some people are not kinky. AND THAT IS OK. They have fun, exciting, arousing, satisfying awesome sex with no kink. And I know people who are kinky as heck, and have really bad sex (according to them). Ergo, fabulous sex is not based on how kinky you are. So we do we pretend that there is something wrong with not being kinky?
Then even within communities, we create levels of how kinky we are. I’ve been told by some people that I’m extra super kinky because I like to do fire play and light people up. I’ve been told by other people that I’m really not kinky because I don’t identify as a top/bottom, Mistress/submissive, and I choose not to live the lifestyle 24/7 or have power based relationships. So I’m either really kinky or really not kinky. How come I can’t *just* be kinky with out putting levels on it?
In understand that there is an inate need to make our wants/needs/identities/kinks the best, especially if we’ve been oppressed as a community. However, the answer it NOT to do it by telling others that they are wrong. That just perpetuates the binary and is stupid. The end.
Last week, Fox News 10 ran a story on Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder as part of a story on a drug trial in Phoenix that is looking to find a cure for lower sexual arousal in women. They called Fascinations for some info, and were kind enough to let me speak as the Resident Sex Educator.
I was really impressed that they had such a sex positive spin on it, and let me talk about there is more than just sex to sexuality, but also connection, communication, intimacy, etc.
So good job Fox for putting on such an all inclusive and fairly sex positive segment, and for not cutting me to sound like an idiot. Color me impressed!
Hey all. On Thursday (yes, this Thursday, the 18th), I ‘ll be putting on a Let’s Talk Sex workshop at the Fascinations‘ Scottsdale store. As part of Fascinations giving back to the community, the workshops is 100% free to all attendees, although space is limited to around 50; first come, first served.
This class will be part of the series of free “Let’s Talk Sex” workshops that Fascinations is putting on, both in Arizona and CO. I’m presenting a workshop entitled “What’s in Your Toy Box?”, which will talk about the spectrum of sex toys, how they work, what they’e designed for/what they can be used for, how you should clean and store them, and much more. Regardless of whether you’re starting with a bullet vibe or have an entire room full of toys, this is a great class for you!
February 18, 2010
14747 N. Northsight Blvd
I would say that of my more “hands on” workshops, fisting is definitely the fav; it is the most requested, and almost consistantly sells out/becomes standing room only. I’m always surprised by this, and then I realize, really, how many people get so see fisting up close and personal, in a healthy and safe environment, with good information? Not many. And that, my friends, is why Vaginal Fisting for One and All gets people to come again and again. Not pun intended; I’ve had a lot of repeat students in my classes!
Let’s talk fisting. One of my twitter followers oh so kindly pointed out that she’d looked for an article on fisting, or how to fist a vagina, or vaginal fisting 101 by me, and couldn’t find anything. I felt a little of a failure, and so, here it is. While of course, coming to a class (mine or someone else’s) is obviously a more in-depth (oh, I’m so punny) experience, here are some great tips for those of you without the opportunity to experience fisting education up close and personal.
Firstly, when people think fisting, they often think of a big, angry fist, like the kind you’d punch someone with. While some people do enjoy more aggressive fisting with a full fist, that’s not where you start off. Make a big duck lip with your hand. THAT is what you’re going to begin with (well, you begin with one finger, then two, and work your way up to the duck lips). Every vagina/cunt/etc is different; the direction that it will go in depends on the person. You might hold it rightside up, upside down, or even sideways or on a diagonal angle. It’s like putting a puzzle together, except it involves a hand and a opening instead of puzzle pieces. Exploring the vagina or exploring the cunt (whatever work you prefer), is part of the fun!
The key to fisting is to go slowly, as you’ll read more about below. Slow and steady wins the race. It might not happen the first time, second time, even the first ten times you try. That’s ok. This is not about who get get their hand inside their partner the fastest. It’s about a really instense and immensely enjoyable experience. If it doesn’t happen at first, enjoy the journey and the experience and the exploration, and try try again, using different angles, etc.
Once inside, you can curl your duck bill into a fist. You can SLOWLY (to begin with — ask your partner if they want to speed it up) move it in and out a little, you can knock like you’re gently banging on a door, you can roll your knuckles; experiement. Figure out what the two of you enjoy doing best, and what feels the best for your partner.
On the way out, make sure you use a finger on the other hand to break the suction that often occurs, and then take time to pull out, possibly almost as much as you did going in. The vagina/cunt area can be sore, or at least very sensitive. Sudden movements are usually not appreciated.
Some people prefer being fisting after they’ve already had an orgasm or two; others prefer to just go for the gold. While being fisted, some people enjoy additional stimulaton of the nipples, vulva, clit or anus, with fingers or a vibrator; many people like to pair fisting with the Hitachi. Others don’t want to be touched. Ask. Always ask. Some people can orgasm once or multiple times with a fist inside them, others can’t. There is no “right” way to enjoy fisting.
Fisting shouldn’t hurt. There may be some pressure, the feeling of being stretched, etc, but there should not be pain. If that is the case, slow down, add lube, ask your partner if they want you to back down a finger or two, etc. Let the person being fisted (the “fistee”) make these decisions. It is their body that they’re dealing with here.
If done with patience, lube, an open mind and communication, fisting can be an absolutely amazing/intense/fun/enjoyable/spiritual/out of body/ridiculously awesome/etc experience. It’s not angry, aggressive, violent, etc (unless coupled with other types of sex play). It should be enjoyed. Again, it’s not the holy grail of sex, but just one more amazing aspect that can be explored.
There are four ground rules:
Rule 1: Patience
Almost everyone with a vagina/cunt/front hole/whatever term your prefer *can* be fisted. However, not every vagina can be fisted by every hand, and not every vagina can be fisted right away. Sometimes, a hand is just too big, and no matter how much lube, relaxation, laughter, trust, patience, time, fun, etc there is, it’s not going to happen.
That said, most people *can* make it work with their chosen partner. This doesn’t mean that it’ll happen overnight. Sometimes it will. Sometimes it can take a few tries. And sometimes, this is a months long endeavor. All of these options are perfectly normal; human bodies are obviously very different, and so is our ability to be fisted. So don’t try to hurry it, to force it, anything like that.
Rule 2: It’s a journey, not a goal
Your body knows what is up; it’s usually somehow connected to your brain. So when you think “ok, I HAVE to have that whole hand in here tonight, no matter what,” your vagina might be like “Um, ‘scuse me, but HELLLL NO.” The more pressure you place on yourself to have a sexual goal (orgasm, ejaculation, fisting, etc), often times the more it stresses you out, begins to shut your body down, and make it impossible. Fisting IS super fun, but it should be one of those things that is fabulous if/when it does happen, but is not the end all, be all of sex. Have fun getting two fingers in, fucking with three, exploring with four. A whole hand is cool, but it’s not everything. Enjoy exploring each other, and if fisting happens, then great.
Rule 3: Lube
People always laugh when I say this, but I’m dead serious. Some people produce a lot of natural lube, some people don’t (for various reasons; allergy meds, hormonal birth control, stress, etc). Natural lubrication is NOT an indication of turned on someone is. If you really want to know if they’re excited, and their sounds and actions don’t help you know, ASK THEM. Don’t use lube as a barometer.
That said, fisting requires lube. Natural lube is great, but over time, people tend to run out, dry up a little, your hand (if you’re not wearing a glove) absorbs a lot of the lube, it gets sticky, there isn’t as much as you’d like. And so on. So get some. Both water based and silicone based lube are great for fisting; usually, the thicker, the better. I personally love Maximus, which is a gel-like water based, glycerin free lube in an easy access pump bottle. Sliquid Organics is a great all natural lube, and Bodyglide is my favorite silicone lube.
Make sure it’s easy access, because you only have one free hand. Pump tops are great, other wise, remove the top before you begin. Make sure you have lube all the way around your hand, and keep adding as needed. If water-based lube dries out, just add water (spit, squirt gun, spray bottle, etc) to reactivate it. If you still need more lube, add more. It is very difficult to have TOO much lubrication during fisting.
As a side note, using latex or nitrile gloves during fisting can make it an even better experience. You don’t have to worry about rough skin or hang nails hurting the fistee, and the fister’s hand won’t get all prune-y. Also, gloves don’t absorb lube, so a little bit will go a longer way. And of course, gloves are great for having safer sex, so you aren’t worrying about the transfer of any fluids.
Rule 4: Communicate
You HAVE to communicate, especially the first couple of times you do this. This is NOT the time to try out the new ball gag and bondage. Communitate. Talk, feel, touch. However you and your partner communicate, make sure you do it. Have the fistee let the fister know how things are going, whether they need more time/stimulation/lube before moving to the next level, or whether they want the fister to go all the way. Make sure the fister communicates whether they’re getting a hand cramp, getting tired, need a drink of water, etc. You think I’m joking, but when you’re trying to stick a whole hand into a relatively small hole, communicating is really really important.
Once you get towards the very end, when it’s almost all the way in, many fisters like to check in with the fistee, asking them whether they should push their whole hand in past that stubborn area, or whether the fistee wants to ease themself down onto the fisters hand. It can go either way, but make sure both of you know which it’s going to be; other wise, it can be a bit awkward.
Fisting Q and A (questions I’ve actually been asked at workshops):
Q: Will fisting ruin me for “normal” sex?
A: NO! Of course not. Just because you’ve been fisted doesn’t mean now you can ONLY be fisted and won’t enjoy other types of sexual activity. People who have been fisting can and do enjoy oral sex, anal sex, oral-anal sex, cocks, dicks, dildos, fingers, vibrators, butt blugs, shower heads, hot tubs and more. In fact, even if you fist on a regular basis, and then take some time (a month +) off of fisting, you may have to start up all slowly again. The body is an amazing thing, and vaginas/cunts are very elastic. They go right back to where they were.
Q: Can I be fisted if I’ve given birth?
A: Yes! You might even have an easier time of it.
Q: Isn’t fisting just for gay men?
A: I love fisting, and I’m not a gay man. Seriously though, everyone can enjoy some kind of fisting if they’re interested.
Q: What about PC muscles/kegel exercises?
A: Having strong PC muscles can help with strong, longer and more frequent orgasms, and have help with ejaculation/squirting/gushing in some people. If you’re being fisting and do some kegels, the fister can definitely feel it around their hand, which feels cool, and the fistee might experience some more intense sensations.
Q: Can you double fist someone with two hands?
A: If both they and their body is up for it, certainly! It can be lots of fun, either with two hands from the same person, or a hand each from different people.
Q: Can someone be anally penetrated at the same time they’re being fisted in the vagina/cunt?
A: Yes, just a) make sure there is lots of lube, and b) be careful. That wall of skin between the vagina and anus is strong but a bit delicate; too much aggressive play on both sides at the same time could cause tears and soreness.
Q: Can I be fisted after a hysterctomy?
A: Check with your doctor, but in most cases, after you are healed, yes. I’ve talk to people at my workshops who have had (or whose partners have had) hysterectomies. Some have had not problem with it (and have found it easier with more space), and others have found that it becomes more difficult. Again, always check with your doctor, whether it’s new rope ties on someone with arthritis, breath play with someone with asthma, or putting a fist in someone what has surgery.
Q: I have a catherter — can I be fisted?
A: Check with your doctor. In most cases, yes, but it’s very important to check with your doctor before doing so (see above). The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom has a list of kink friendly professionals, and FetLife has many good referrals to kink friendly professionals as well.
Q: Do you have a book about fisting?
A: Not yet, but I’d love to write one. In the mean time, there is a great book called Hand in the Bush; The Art of Vaginal Fisting by Deborah Addington.
Questions you’d like to have answered? Leave a comment!
Sex workers are people. They are your friends, your exes, your lovers, your sisters, your brothers, your parents.
They are escorts and prostitutes and fetish models and pro dommes and pro subs and pro switches and porn stars and erotic massage providers and nude models and strippers and dancers and sex surrogates and more.
They, just like everyone else, are working for their living. Many of them file their taxes, pay social security, etc. All of them have to figure out housing and food and medical expensive. They are have families. They have people who love them, and people that they love.
They are service providers. Like a waitress. Like a retail clerk. They are people give other people what they want, and what they need.
With all of this said, why would ANYONE, none the less hundreds and thousands of people join a groups about killing hookers so one doesn’t have to pay them? And then once it’s been taken down, start yet ANOTHER group?
And then, why would anyone truly debate whether saying killing a hooker truly contrues violence/hate? Since when did wanting to kill someone become neither violence or hateful?
So yes, I am impressed with the digital movement that reported the hell out of that page, and got it taken down (read more about that here), just like I was impressed with Wordress for taking down the Expose a Ho page within 24 hours to protect the privacy of all people, including sex workers (blogspot, on the other hand, still has the page up — boo on them). We have a strong network of sex worker advocates (which does not mean sex worker; it means all people, sex workers and not, who support the rights of sex workers) who got it shut down.
But still, there are so many hateful pages left, not even just this newly popped up one. It’s not December, but I am taking a stand against violence (physical, emotional, mental, verbal, online, etc) against sex workers. It is NOT ok to hate, and EVERYONE has the right to be safe against hate, violence, violations of privacy, etc.
There are many ways to stand up for sex workers rights; join one of the many sex worker positive facebook groups like this one, donate for sex worker awareness/advocacy, support the NYC Sex Bloggers Calendar, etc.
The American Psychiatric Association just released a list of proposed changes for sexual and gender identity disorders for the DSM-5, and are looking for feedback. I’m still not sure how I feel about things, but I think it’s important that everyone concerned with sexuality (gender, BDSM, trans, hyper sexual arousal, pain disorders, hypo active sexual desire, etc) check this out and see what they think, and give a reponse.
*I like putting hypo active sexual desire disorder under female arousal disorder and male arousal disorder. The previous version was too male-centric.
*I like changing gender identity disorder to gender incongruence, as it is NOT in any way a disorder, but it is often a body disphoria, and if it remains in some way in the DSM, transfolk will have a slightly easier time getting insurance to pay for therapy, and possibly hormones and surgery.
*I DO NOT like the definition of hyper sexual disorder. Basically, everyone with a healthy sexuality, who thinks about sex and has sexual fantasies, and plans romantic interludes, falls into this disorder. That, in my mind, is ridiculous.
*I do not understand the new concept of adding “disorder” to sexual masochism, sexual sadism, transvestism, fetishism, etc. Can someone please explain to me how this changes things?
I’m not going to lie. I’m not usually much of a Sarah Silverman fan. In fact, I don’t like most “main stream” comedians. Give me good ol’ British wit (Monty Python, Are You Being Served, Red Dwarf, Fawlty Towers, Eddie Izzard) any day.
However, Sarah Silverman said something that I think is important to talk about. She talked about marriage equality, and compared it to the racial exclusive country clubs. Why would you want to belong to such an organizations that promotes inequality and hate?
So I take my hat off to Sarah Silverman. Whether I like her jokes her not, I do like her stand and the way she’s gone about speaking on this issue.